Mr. Cheesy

Ok time for a new post.

I’ve been monitoring my stats the last few days and there seems to be a reoccurring theme. People are showing up at my site by searching for the term, “Mr. Cheesy” (One was even from the PGA Tour, how fucking cool is that?). As wonderful as I think this is and as much as I love the publicity to my site including the page ranks I’m getting on yahoo search engine I have to say I don’t think I am the Mr. Cheese you are looking for. In fact I don’t think you are looking for “Mr. Cheesy” at all. Let me explain.
Until last night I didn’t know why people would be doing searches for a “Mr. Cheesy” until I saw one of the latest, most god awful Burger King Commercial, staring “Dr. Angus”
Pay attention people, his name is not “Mr. Cheesy”, it is “Dr. Angus”. I think where everyone is getting the cheesy part from is because in the commercial he says he has a degree in “Cheesy” and then proceeds to put on some Hollywood fake ass smile.
As far as I know, no such degree exists, trust me, I did a lot of research on this. I’m pretty sure I’m the only one cheesy enough to call themselves, Mr. Cheese, Cheesy, Cheesy Cracker, or any other combination you can think of. Sorry to disappoint you all, but at least you helped in padding my stats, if for only a short time. Now if this doesn’t prove to you all just how pathetic I am by spending all my time trying to figure out if there truly is someone out there calling themselves “Mr. Cheesy”, besides myself, then I don’t know what will.
For bringing people to my little corner of the world, Dr. Angus, I salute you sir.

On a much higher, cheesier note, some of you may notice some slight changes in the site, minor details here and there, a little this, a little that. But the biggest change by far is that cute little button you now see on the side bar to the right…….no not the damn Google search button either, I’m talking about the ever so stylish and very handy “PayPal” donate button. Scroll up a little if you can't see it.....go ahead, I'll wait...........nice isn't it! How cheesy is that to be asking for donations to my sorry ass on a blog site? Oh yeah now that’s cheesy. Dr. Angus aint got nothing on me! Cheesy degree…..yeah whatever, if there were a cheesy degree I think I would be the Dean of that university. Feel free to donate as much or as little as you like, or just leave a comment telling me to piss off.

Could I have said Cheese anymore in this post? hehe

The one, the only, Mr. Cheese!

Life is just a game

Originally posted Wednesday, July 20, 2005

“Captain,…were under attack!!!”

*WOOT…..WOOT……..* the sounds of sirens scream all around me.

I’m confused, not sure where I am or what to do. Everything is a blur. My ears still ringing in pain from the piercing sound of the last explosion.

“Damn it Captain, snap out of it” A loud “SMACK” echoes through the bridge as his hand lands across my face leaving an impression of his fingers upon my cheek.My eyes dart back shooting a stern look at second in command assuring him that I have regained my senses.
“What are we to do Captain? Were losing ships fast” His face now reflecting the fear of the entire crew!

“Man battle stations” I bellow “scramble all fighter jets. We must protect the fleet at all costs until it makes the jump.”

“Yes sir” he says without hesitation. Seconds later I hear his voice over the loud speaker as he repeats my orders to the rest of the crew. Regaining my composure, I scan the deck to asses the damage.

“Lieutenant……how bad is it?” I ask.

“We took some heavy damage in that last attack sir, but I think we are ok” he assures me.

BLAST……….*KABOOM*

A large shudder falls over the ship as we are hit again. Sparks begin to fly from damaged electrical components; my nostrils burn from the smell of melting electronics as large plumes of black smoke escape from several consoles filling the deck with a large poisonous cloud.

“Put those fires out immediately” I demand.
The entire crew staggering in confusion through the smoke trying to find any means possible to extinguish the flames.
“Sergeant, get us the hell out of here NOW!!!!!”

“I, I Captain”

From across the bridge I hear “Sir we’ve sustained heavy damage to the ship including flight deck 7”
A quiet hush falls over the crew as we begin to realize that we may not have any fighters left to escort us out of this mess. All eyes are now focused on me as they look for the guidance needed to get us out of here safely.

With a strong voice I announce “Lieutenant…….”

“Yes sir”

“Your in charge.” I say

“Sir?”

“You heard me dammit. I’m going down to the flight deck to see if I can salvage any fighters. I’ll be damned if we lose this fleet while I’m in charge.” Slamming my fist down onto the console “As soon as I clear the ship your orders are to escort the fleet into the jump.”

“But what about you sir”

“Dont' worry I’ll be hot on your tail" I say "but for now someone has to keep those slimy bustards from entering the jump and trailing us”
With that, I storm off the bridge into the lift “Deck Seven” I announce. The lift begins to move my eyes watching the numbers as they count down, “15, 14, 13, 12, 11” a lump begins to form in my throat the closer I get to deck 7 fearing the carnage I might encounter when the doors open. “10, 9, 8, 7.”
Before the doors even open I can feel the heat and smell of burning fuel emitting from the room.

“WHOOSH” The door wisps open. Amongst the mangled fighters and twisted metal I can hear screams coming from wounded soldiers. There, in front of me, about 15 feet I can see what appears to be the remains of a badly wounded crewman. The automatic extinguish system obviously not working fast enough as his entire body is completely charred from the flash fire of burning fuel. His arm extends reaching out to me. As he lifts his head to look at me his mouth begins to open begging his body to give him the strength to produce tangible words.

“help…..me……..PLEASE!!!!” With that he collapses to the floor, his chest heaves one last time as the final breath of air escapes his lungs.
I turn away as the taste of vomit enters the back of my mouth moments before I start convulsing. The smell of buring flesh is unbearable. I run back to the lift my hand reaching for the button to open the doors. Before I can press the button to leave this unsightly hell I remember why I am here.
“What am I doing?” I ask myself out loud.
If I don’t do something now the suffering of my crew members will be all for not. I turn on my heels, keeping my eyes focused on what looks to be the last fighter still intact and begin to run towards it all the while trying to ignore the screams and cries coming from my men still trapped or severely burned. I climb aboard the fighter and strap myself in. With a few flicks and clicks of buttons I’m quickly comforted by the familiar sound of the engines firing up. Shortly after a loud burst emits from the behind me as the fighter slowly begins to pull forward. I grasp the control stick and try to maneuver my way through the tangled mess of what used to be a hanger. Ahead I can see another inbound enemy fighter preparing to hit the deck, no doubt to finish what he started.
“It’s now or never” I say in a loud voice trying to give myself confidence, knowing all to well that if he fires before I get off the deck I am as dead as the rest of my crew.
My hand shoves the throttle completely forward, throwing my body against the seat. I struggle to keep my hands gripped to the flight stick.

*CRACK……..CRACK…….CRACK*

The sounds of his lasers ricochet behind me as I am whisked out into space.

VVVVVSSSSSSS………VSSSSSSSSS……….

Shit, two more enemy fighters whiz past and have taken point on me. I take evasive maneuvers, but can’t seem to shake them. More shot’s ring out nearly hitting me.
I swing the fighter around, now facing the ship from which I just narrowly escaped.

*If I play this right I might be able to shake them by flying close enough to the deck in the opposite direction as the rest of the fleet. With only one fighter they might ignore me and think I am just abandoning my ship*

I drop the fighter to the deck racing between columns and other obstacles littered across the top of the ship. It’s not long before the shots coming from behind me slow down and eventually come to a halt. I turn my head in the constrictive cockpit to get a better look behind me.It worked they’ve given up chase and diverted their attention back to the jump ship’s. With both of them focusing their firepower on something other then me I can move in behind them. I steady the fighter and settle in to an advantage point that should take out both of them with one shot.
“Steady now” the adrenaline building inside of me.

.…..THUMP THUMP………THUMP THUMP…..

The sound of my heart echoing throughout my entire body, my finger trembling on the trigger with anticipation as I move in closer!
This is it, if I miss, I won’t have a ship to return to.
I line up my sights………slowly I begin to squeeze the trigger…………..

………….BEEP………… (My intercom springs to life next to me back at my desk)


“Are you available for orientation of a student?”

Startled and confused I begin pressing the wrong keys on my keyboard. Come on just a few more seconds…….

“HELLO….” An impatient voice says from the intercom as if I didn’t hear him the first time.

“Ah fuck,” I shout, drawing attention of the entire room “I just crashed my fighter into the deck of the mother ship. Do you have any idea how long it took me to get this god damn far in the game?” I ask.

“Ah……no……..” a crackled voice says from the other side.

“Four god damn hours. Now I have to start the whole fucking level over from port station 10.” I say in disgust.

“So you’re available?” he asks.

“Yeah I guess so, meet me in the conference room.” As I throw my keyboard off in front of me and watch on my screen as my entire fleet is slowly destroyed.


If he was on my ship, I would have him jettisoned out a torpedo tube for such insubordination!

Technically Speaking

So I am supposed to be learning Oracle. Why in the world would anyone want to learn Oracle you ask? Good question, when someone has an answer let me know please. Until then they decided that since I could spell Oracle correctly that I should get every single student currently taking the course. (Around 40 of my 60) Oh boy what fun? I have barely even started looking over the course, every time I try I get so damn bored by the material that I fall asleep. I would rather watch an all day Marathon of Yentl then be subjected to this course anymore. The director asks me on a daily basis, “So how’s the Oracle course coming along, take any of the tests yet?”I hang my head down in shame, kick my foot at the floor and say “No, not yet, but soon” And so this seems to be my daily ritual.
“Remember me?”
Why do people ask this question? Obviously if I did I would have said hello, or flipped you off depending on how I remember you.
“Ah…..no…..refresh my memory please”
“I sent you an email with some questions about Oracle”
“Oh” I say “right….right ….right……because your email had a picture of you to associate with for when you came in here?”
“ummmmm…..no….” he says with an almost lost look on his face. I keep forgetting sarcasm is a lost art form here.
I figure what the hell, it’s after the weekend and I’m still in a good mood, I’ll play along. “well anyway, what seems to be the problem?”
“I’m trying to create a query to display the last name, job code, hire date, and employee number with the employee number appearing first using this statement”
……….long pause………..
“Hello?”
“Oh sorry you were asking me?” I say with a look of surprise, as I have no idea what he is talking about. “Ah…..ummmm….ok, lets see what you have written down”“Yes…..uh huh…..yep……looks good……oh wait, yep right there” I point to a vague spot on his paper.
“Right where?” Looking down at my finger, I quickly move my hand before he can ask any pertinent questions about the particular spot in which I was pointing.
“Let me ask you this first……” still not knowing what the hell any of his answers mean, I need to come up with something that sounds at the least half ass intelligent. “…..which Oracle test are you studying for?”
“Oracle 9i, see where it says it right there on the top of the page?” Was that an insult I just heard? “But I have worked in the past with Oracle 8i!” he replies looking all smart now.
This is my opportunity to pounce.
“Well then there you go, this statement doesn’t work in 9i, only 8i” I say.
“Are you sure? Because the lab says to use this statement”
Great not only does he insult me, but now he is calling me a liar. Ok, calm down, deep breaths, think of emphysema women.
“Oh yes so I see, well, you can’t always trust the labs.”
“I can’t?”
“You know how computer technology is, it moves so fast we can’t even keep up.” Both of us let out a fake chuckle. “So you did this entire lab?” I ask.
“Yes and took the final exam as well, here are my answers” as he passes off a very impressive and comprehensive final exam to me................ Idiot!!!!!
“Oh no, this isn’t good, see here” pointing to some of his answers on his test “almost all of your answers were using the data from Oracle 8i instead of 9i”
“So I failed?” His shoulders slump, eyes swell up “I have been working on this for two days now” Poor guy I almost feel sorry for him, oh wait that’s right he insulted me and then proceeded to call me a liar, now where was I?
“Well technically speaking you did yes,….but…….” His head picks up, eyes widen waiting for something positive to come out of my mouth “since I technically didn’t grade this yet, then technically speaking it’s as if you never took the test”
“Technically?” he says
“Yes technically”
“Ah….ok…..I guess….” The look in his eyes changes from excitement back to gloom as he begins to realize the inevitable.
“Well what I am trying to tell you is now you can go back and only skim all the chapters. Then, when it’s time to take the test, come find me first and we can go over everything to make sure that your prepared.” I think I just picked up my own mentor.
“Really, wow……….thanks a lot man”
“No problem MAN” I laugh “just think if you would have turned that into someone other then me.” We both laugh as I hand his books back. “Now get back to studying”
“But what about that test?” he asks
“Oh this” I say as I look down at his completely finished final exam in my hands “well, don’t worry about this I’ll get rid of it before anyone else sees it.” as I toss it onto my desk amidst a ton of other paper work.
“But can’t I use it so I don’t do the same thing next time” he asks
“Listen pal, do you want me to help you or not!” raising my voice for full effect now.
“Your right” he says “I’m sorry, and thank you again for clearing that up for me”
“No problem, anytime” I say
I watch as he slowly walks back into the computer lab and slumps down into his chair, dropping his head onto the desk and sobbing quietly to himself.
Just then the director walks up.
“So how’s it going today?” he asks
“Not bad” I say with a big smile on my face “I’ve made a lot of progress in the last few days”
“Well that’s great news……..say,” his face gestures into that of a serious look as he moves in closer motioning with his finger for me to come closer to him.“How’s the Oracle training going?” he whispers as to not let any students hear him. It's so hard to find things you can rely on these days; thank god I can count on this question every damn day. “we really need to get you going on this” I’m close enough to his face now that the stench of black coffee emitting from his breath would put the Folgers coffee guy to shame.
“Actually” I say “it’s going really well.”
“Really?” he says with an almost astonished look on his face, “take any of the tests yet?”
“As a matter of fact……” I say reaching over onto my desk for the test that the student just handed me “here is my first one” he takes it from my hand and grabs his spectacles from his pocket to get a better look.
“Mind if I look it over?” he asks
“Not at all, be my guest sir, I think you will find that I did surprisingly well for only being here a week”
“Great, I look forward to reading through it, keep up the good work” he responds giving my shoulder a solid slap and one of those all too familiar fake corporate smiles, before turning and heading back to his office.
Stop looking at me like that, I know I’m going to hell!

Over the counter drugs RULE!!!!!!

Originally posted July 16th 2005

It’s a slow day, computer wise anyway, probably because it's Saturday and I’m working. Two hours after taking the Benadryl for my allergies I’m beginning to wonder if it was such a good idea after all. That stuff just seems to really knock me out. I can barely keep my eyes open. Oh well too late now, no worries.

I started the day at 8:30, by 9:00 am 6 students had rolled into class, each one telling their own story by which they walk and carry themselves.

Yep, there’s hangover guy, dark shades, slumped shoulders, stumbling over himself a little bit as he walks past my desk rubbing his forehead trying to find a suitable work station, far from sunlight or any noise as possible.

No doubt the only reason he came in today was probably to have some piece and quiet.

“GOOD MORNING!!!!!” I shout.

Like a deer caught in headlights he jumps back startled looking all around in a half daze, before realizing where the pleasantry had come from.

“Oh….ummmm…yeah, same to you” he says as he puts his head back down walking into the lab trying to conceal the fact that I just intensified his headache by ten fold.

So far everyone has hunkered down at the work stations in the other room working on assignments. I have the entire computer lab to myself. Nothing but piece and quiet……….a little too quiet………creak…..clunk. The front door opens and shuts signaling another student has just entered. Great, don’t these people have anything better to do on a Saturday?

“…….tap……tap…..tap…..” I hear him logging into the front desk computer.

My mouse races across my desktop as I check to see who just logged in.. Hmmmmm…….some student by the initials “TR”. I scan my student list, (which seems to be increasing on a daily basis now even though I haven’t added anyone new......... damn FNG syndrome), to find someone that fits those initials.

Odd, I don’t recognize the name, but then why should I, it’s only day 5 on the job. Ok scratch that, we’ll just wait and see who rounds the corner. Come on super model, (I can wish can’t I?)

Ah DAMMIT, its kaki shorts, dress shirt, sandals guy. Interestingly enough he must have had a problem with his socks staying up because today he has taken geekdom one step further by adding those little tiny suspenders to each sock.

His face is turned to the other side of the room when he clears the hallway. Quick I grab my Oracle book and open to a page, raising an eyebrow and placing my hand on my forehead rubbing it back and forth to signal that I’m in deep thought and shouldn’t be disturbed. Seems to be working fine for drunk guy in the other room, even though from my advantage point I can clearly see he hasn’t even logged into the machine in which he is sitting at yet.

I wait a few minutes as Super Geek (that’s what I call him now) settles into a computer not more then a few feet from me. I can tell by the quizzical look on his face that he has something on his mind and wants to talk to me……….god I hate that. I add in a few “humph” and “sighs” along the way to really play it off that I am busy.
You really have to be on the offensive if you want the busy look to fool the student, and I think its working. I can see from the corner of my eye that he is getting up, possibly to go ask someone else, or maybe to move to another room or maybe………..*eyes getting heavy now*………….my mind begins to drift off thinking of happy thoughts like sleep, yeah sleep is good……..wait a minute……I think the Benadryl is really kicking in now. I twitch slightly in my seat as if my body is trying to tell my mind we need to stay awake, although I’m not entirely sure why.

Oh crap, my guard was down, did he notice? I slowly bring my head up and raise my eye to see where he is. Cool, I don’t see him; he must have slipped into the other room when I was dozing off. I relax for the time being and sit back in my chair, arms behind my head, with a slight grin of achievement on my face thinking I had won the battle.

“Can I ask you a question?” I hear come from just behind me.

Damn it!!!!!!! RED ALERT....We’re under attack, every man for himself.
Super Geek, using his oversized brain power has some how flanked my left side when I wasn’t looking. Damn his powers, DAMN them to hell I say.
Now I’m just plain pissed off.

“Sure what’s up?” Trying to show at least some effort!

“I seem to be having trouble with this SQL database, ….blah…..blah…….blah, blah……..” eyes getting very heavy now…….”the first select statement for employee last name…………blah……blah………”

“Shhhhhh quiet time now” I say before he can finish.

“……..huh?...” he stammers.

“I said quiet time………..” drifting……..drifting………..gone.

I love you Benadryl!!!

Does anyone have an Inhaler?

Originally posted July 10th 2005

2:00pm, sit down log into machine.

2:01pm, “EXCUSE ME”……………..”HELLO”

“Are you talking to me?” I ask.

“Yes……” as she draws in what seems to be an extremely labored breath, “I already talked to the guy sitting here” pointing to an empty chair at a computer station.

“You mean the access point where everyone sits down to log into the shared drive”

“Well he was there 10 minutes ago” she says in a huff.

Since I just sat down at my desk not more then 2 minutes ago, and it is my third day on the job still not knowing what all is going on, I take offense to her tone. As I swing my chair around to confront her and throw a little attitude right back I notice my co-worker peering at me over her shoulder watching to see my reaction.

“And what seems to be the problem” I inquire with as much decency as possible and an all to fake smile on my face.

“I told the guy………..” another labored breath, starting to wonder if I will need to call the paramedics soon, “over 10 minutes ago…….. that the............" oh oh, deep breath "DAMN PRINTER IS OUT OF PAPER!!!........cough…..stager…….cough” she says yelling and shaking her finger at me.

“Are you sure you don’t need a smoke” I say under my breath

“Excuse me?” she asks,

“I SAID, are you sure it’s not broke?” trying to hide any sign of sarcasm on my face now.

“Oh….ummmmm…..no it says it’s out of paper” as she shoots a puzzled look at me.

“Well then, let’s go see if we can fix that right up for you.” I say with a big smile, jumping to my feet in excitement.

I walk slowly over to the door where the other printer is located hoping another user might catch my eye and something more important to ask me. Upon entering the room, I can see that's out of the question, since there is a line of people standing over the printer looking at it as if it is a strange robot from another planet.

“WOW, are you all waiting for the printer?” I ask as sarcastic as possible, but being the idiots they are, they just all nod their heads up and down in compliance to my question.

Like little kids waiting for the adult to turn on the sprinkler on a hot summer day I can see the anticipation building up as I begin to look over the printer with a raised eyebrow.

“Hmmmmmm………." I ponder for a minute trying to ignore the large blinking display screen sceaming at me that the printer is out of paper. "well here’s the problem” I say as I pull out the paper tray, “its out of paper”.

A gasp falls over the crowd…………no really I’m serious it really did.
Mean while emphaziema women finally makes it back in to inspect my diagnosis. I swear to god if she put a mask on she would be Darth Vaders mom............a very very heavy crispy cream mom, but non the less.

“So was I right?” she says snobbishly.

“You sure were” I say with a big grin on my face. I wait a few seconds realizing I am not about to get a thank you from this women, so it’s time to see if she picks up on my sarcasm this time. “And I want to THANK YOU miss for bringing this to my attention so that the problem could be remedied as quickly as possible. Who knows how long this thing would have been down if you didn’t find me”……and the puzzled look has once again returned to her face confirming that this entire room does not know the definition of sarcasm. So with a smile on my face I extend my hand to shake hers all the while saying “Thank You” with each shake of the hand about 20 or 30 times.

I can see working here might be fun after all!