Technically Speaking

So I am supposed to be learning Oracle. Why in the world would anyone want to learn Oracle you ask? Good question, when someone has an answer let me know please. Until then they decided that since I could spell Oracle correctly that I should get every single student currently taking the course. (Around 40 of my 60) Oh boy what fun? I have barely even started looking over the course, every time I try I get so damn bored by the material that I fall asleep. I would rather watch an all day Marathon of Yentl then be subjected to this course anymore. The director asks me on a daily basis, “So how’s the Oracle course coming along, take any of the tests yet?”I hang my head down in shame, kick my foot at the floor and say “No, not yet, but soon” And so this seems to be my daily ritual.
“Remember me?”
Why do people ask this question? Obviously if I did I would have said hello, or flipped you off depending on how I remember you.
“Ah…..no…..refresh my memory please”
“I sent you an email with some questions about Oracle”
“Oh” I say “right….right ….right……because your email had a picture of you to associate with for when you came in here?”
“ummmmm…..no….” he says with an almost lost look on his face. I keep forgetting sarcasm is a lost art form here.
I figure what the hell, it’s after the weekend and I’m still in a good mood, I’ll play along. “well anyway, what seems to be the problem?”
“I’m trying to create a query to display the last name, job code, hire date, and employee number with the employee number appearing first using this statement”
……….long pause………..
“Hello?”
“Oh sorry you were asking me?” I say with a look of surprise, as I have no idea what he is talking about. “Ah…..ummmm….ok, lets see what you have written down”“Yes…..uh huh…..yep……looks good……oh wait, yep right there” I point to a vague spot on his paper.
“Right where?” Looking down at my finger, I quickly move my hand before he can ask any pertinent questions about the particular spot in which I was pointing.
“Let me ask you this first……” still not knowing what the hell any of his answers mean, I need to come up with something that sounds at the least half ass intelligent. “…..which Oracle test are you studying for?”
“Oracle 9i, see where it says it right there on the top of the page?” Was that an insult I just heard? “But I have worked in the past with Oracle 8i!” he replies looking all smart now.
This is my opportunity to pounce.
“Well then there you go, this statement doesn’t work in 9i, only 8i” I say.
“Are you sure? Because the lab says to use this statement”
Great not only does he insult me, but now he is calling me a liar. Ok, calm down, deep breaths, think of emphysema women.
“Oh yes so I see, well, you can’t always trust the labs.”
“I can’t?”
“You know how computer technology is, it moves so fast we can’t even keep up.” Both of us let out a fake chuckle. “So you did this entire lab?” I ask.
“Yes and took the final exam as well, here are my answers” as he passes off a very impressive and comprehensive final exam to me................ Idiot!!!!!
“Oh no, this isn’t good, see here” pointing to some of his answers on his test “almost all of your answers were using the data from Oracle 8i instead of 9i”
“So I failed?” His shoulders slump, eyes swell up “I have been working on this for two days now” Poor guy I almost feel sorry for him, oh wait that’s right he insulted me and then proceeded to call me a liar, now where was I?
“Well technically speaking you did yes,….but…….” His head picks up, eyes widen waiting for something positive to come out of my mouth “since I technically didn’t grade this yet, then technically speaking it’s as if you never took the test”
“Technically?” he says
“Yes technically”
“Ah….ok…..I guess….” The look in his eyes changes from excitement back to gloom as he begins to realize the inevitable.
“Well what I am trying to tell you is now you can go back and only skim all the chapters. Then, when it’s time to take the test, come find me first and we can go over everything to make sure that your prepared.” I think I just picked up my own mentor.
“Really, wow……….thanks a lot man”
“No problem MAN” I laugh “just think if you would have turned that into someone other then me.” We both laugh as I hand his books back. “Now get back to studying”
“But what about that test?” he asks
“Oh this” I say as I look down at his completely finished final exam in my hands “well, don’t worry about this I’ll get rid of it before anyone else sees it.” as I toss it onto my desk amidst a ton of other paper work.
“But can’t I use it so I don’t do the same thing next time” he asks
“Listen pal, do you want me to help you or not!” raising my voice for full effect now.
“Your right” he says “I’m sorry, and thank you again for clearing that up for me”
“No problem, anytime” I say
I watch as he slowly walks back into the computer lab and slumps down into his chair, dropping his head onto the desk and sobbing quietly to himself.
Just then the director walks up.
“So how’s it going today?” he asks
“Not bad” I say with a big smile on my face “I’ve made a lot of progress in the last few days”
“Well that’s great news……..say,” his face gestures into that of a serious look as he moves in closer motioning with his finger for me to come closer to him.“How’s the Oracle training going?” he whispers as to not let any students hear him. It's so hard to find things you can rely on these days; thank god I can count on this question every damn day. “we really need to get you going on this” I’m close enough to his face now that the stench of black coffee emitting from his breath would put the Folgers coffee guy to shame.
“Actually” I say “it’s going really well.”
“Really?” he says with an almost astonished look on his face, “take any of the tests yet?”
“As a matter of fact……” I say reaching over onto my desk for the test that the student just handed me “here is my first one” he takes it from my hand and grabs his spectacles from his pocket to get a better look.
“Mind if I look it over?” he asks
“Not at all, be my guest sir, I think you will find that I did surprisingly well for only being here a week”
“Great, I look forward to reading through it, keep up the good work” he responds giving my shoulder a solid slap and one of those all too familiar fake corporate smiles, before turning and heading back to his office.
Stop looking at me like that, I know I’m going to hell!