Day Two

Originally posted July 8th, 2005

Day two of my new endeavor and I must say, I don't think I have ever seen so many nerds in my life. I mean don't get me wrong, Mr. Cheesy is a nerd himself, but these people actually dress like them to. Some of them I wonder if they have showered in more then a week, although I am sure it is difficult to fit in a shower around a busy and hectic life style consisting of back to back matches of Dungeons and Dragons, followed by countless hours playing Counter Strike online.
Lets face it people, if you get up in the morning and dress yourself in a long sleeve blue button up business shirt, tan kaki shorts, black knee high dress socks, sandals, and walk out the door thinking, "Damn I look good", there is something seriously wrong with you. I suggest you drag your 42 year old ass back into the house and ask your mother what she thinks.

With a name like Cheesy Cracker I never thought I would be the most normal person in the room.

Coming Soon...........

Coming soon to a small computer screen near you! He made you laugh, he made you cry, he made you see what assholes he has to work with everyday, and now he’s back, and he’s PISSED OFF!!!!

Return of the Archives

Starting this Thursday he’s back and better than ever! You’ve never seen him like this before. Digitally re-mastered in 5.1 surround sound (where available), new Bold font, hyperlinks galore. All your favorite characters return to the computer screen one last time to tell their story. Find out how Sped got his name, how the director almost died!!!!! From day two of his adventures until the day his blog mysteriously went down, you'll get to read them all as they were meant to be……..in written form…….on your computer.
Staring Mr. Cheese as, Mr. Cheese, Sped as his idiot counterpart, and those crazy admission boys as the dumb asses we all love to hate. Also staring, the lovely Nurse, the Doctor no one can understand, and the introduction to Corporate Ass #1.
Don’t miss out on this once in a life time opportunity, be there!

These archives have not yet been rated!!!

Chapter 5

A new Beginning

Mr. Cheese sat on his bed looking around his room. Yes it was true he was back in his own house. He turned to where the lump from the dead heap lay before and saw nothing. A sigh of relief escaped his mouth. He gathered up the top sheet and used it to wipe his face dry from the tears.

“It’s true…..I am back in my own house. The spirits have given me another chance, I know they have, this must be why I’m back in my own room.” His face was a glow with enthusiasm as he jumped around the room in joy.
He continued running throughout the house in glee remarking at all the things from the previous night with each spirit.

“There’s the couch the spirit of Lil Jon sat. And there, right there, is my computer screen that the first ghost appeared.”

If anyone were to enter the house they would think he was insane parading around in his pajamas acting like the kings gesture. He truly seemed to be a changed man.

“ I don’t know what to do, I’m just so happy to be alive…..what day is it? I don’t know what day it is! Oh fuck I don’t care, Woohoo, woot, woot……..”

He rushed to the living room widow and thrust it open. Poking his head outside, his head turned towards the sky allowing the sun to splash against his face. Walking down the street was a young boy delivering the morning paper.

“Hey you, what day is it?” Asked Mr. Cheese

“Fuck off old man!” Replied the young lad

“Oh kids these days, funny, funny boy” Mr. Cheese said under his breath “I ask you one more time before I come out there and beat your ass down like the piece of shit you are, WHAT FUCKING DAY IS IT.”

This seemed to grab the little bastards attention as his next response was “Ah….well it’s Christmas day.”

“Christmas day WHAT?????”

“Ah Christmas day….ah…..Sir?”

“Oh goodie, I haven’t missed it, the spirits have blessed me once again……he, he, he….” Mr. Cheese said softly to himself while rubbing his hands together.

“Can I go now.” The young lad outside shouted

“Ah…..no, no, tell me boy, do you know the CompUSA store down on main street?”

“DUH!!!”

“Good, good…….” Replied Mr. Cheese “Do they still have the prize router in the window?”

“You mean the four port one?”

“The four port one, funny, funny boy……I like him.” Mr. Cheese said quietly “No boy, the big one, the 40 port monster?”

“Well yes I suppose they do.”

Mr. Cheese rubbed his hands together again with a huge smile across his face “It’s good…..it’s good….” “I want you to go down there and buy it, this very minute.” Demanded Mr. Cheese

“Are you fucking retarded, I don’t have any money.”

“Oh yes…….I will pay for it, tell the manager to deliver it here immediately, tell him there is a bonus in it for him, and if you do this in the next five minutes I will give you a hundred dollar bill.”

“Whoopee!!!” A sarcastic reply came from the young boy.

“Fine, make it a thousand, would that make you happy?” But before he could finish the boy dropped his remaining papers and was running as fast as he could towards town. “Ah…..good, good, boy. I’ll send that damn thing to Crotchrot’s house along with a brand new computer system to replace their dinosaur of a computer……he’ll be so surprised.” Mr. Cheese was beside himself now, giggling like a school boy.

Mr. Cheese ran off to get dressed, and clean himself up. It wasn’t long before there was a knock on his door. In a dash he ran to answer it. Standing outside the door was a very exhausted paper boy.

“Ok……..old man……..where’s my thousand bucks?” He said between breaths “Best Buy has an Xbox with my name on it.”

Mr. Cheese looked behind the boy to see a very happy store manager wearing a CompUSA shirt. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a brand new crisp thousand dollar bill and handed it to the boy as promised. Like a streak of lightning the boy took off running..

“That thing is huge.” Remarked Mr. Cheese

“Ah………oh the router, yes indeed it is.” Replied the store manager.

Mr. Cheese grabbed a piece of paper and pen and scribbled down an address onto it.

“Here, I wish to have this delivered to this address immediately.”

“Are you insane, I damn near broke my back carrying this shit here.”

“Really? Well isn’t that your car still running in my driveway?”

“Well, yeah.”

“Well then, here is your bonus, and some gas money, now hurry, go deliver that thing to the address I gave you.”

Mr. Cheese grabbed his coat and gloves and ran out of the house, scurrying down the street. Before he knew it he was in the city amongst some of the same people he had seen while out with the spirits the previous night. As he continued to walk briskly he came across the student which he had scolded a few days prior. Mr. Cheese was a bit hesitant to make eye contact with his former student in fear of how he might treat him.

Reaching out he grabbed the man by both shoulders. “Merry Christmas to you sir, I hope all is well with you.”

“Mr. Cheese” the astounded student replied

“Yes, that’s my name.” Mr. Cheese leaned into the student and whispered into his ear to which the student almost fell backwards.

“Are you fucking serious?”

“Yes, yes I am, free training for as long as you need it, just come on into the center, I have already taken care of all the paperwork.”

The student was in shock, his mouth hung open not knowing what to say. When he regained his composure he took Mr. Cheese’s hand “Thank you, thank you very much….I …I don’t know what to say….I….”

“You don’t have to say anything, it is my pleasure.” And with that Mr. Cheese tipped his hat to the man and continued on with his journey.

Mr. Cheese finally arrived at his destination outside Billy Bob Crotchrot’s house. He stood outside for a minute before knocking on the door. In an instant his happy smiling face turned into a low frown. Every few seconds the smile would creep back onto his face, he couldn’t help himself. He could hear footsteps approaching the door, closer and closer, again he put on as serious of a face as he could. Billy Bob answered the door.

“Mr. Cheese? Can….can I help you.”

“You most certainly can fuck face, I opened the school today for you and you never showed up. A waste of my time, and for what…..nothing…….are you going to give me back the time I wasted today?” Mr. Cheese said in his old evil voice.

“Well I thought….I mean you said…….I didn’t think…..”

“Enough, I will not tolerate this anymore. And because of it, I have brought by a brand new computer for you along with a 40 port router so your entire family can enjoy the world wide web. I have also extended your training indefinably and brought you all the books you will ever need to pass any course.”

“I….I don’t understand” Billy Bob was undoubtedly confused by all this generosity from Mr. Cheese

Mr. Cheese couldn’t hold it back any longer; he let out a roar of laughter, followed by a slap on the shoulder of Billy Bob. “Oh man, it’s Christmas, I brought you all this for you and your family. I want to see you succeed!”

“Are you the same Mr. Cheese as my instructor, or was he kidnapped by aliens last night?”

“Well I’m not going to lie to you Billy Bob, I might have been probed during the night………but that doesn’t matter, I am a new man. Here, I also brought you a membership to Jenny Craig for your fat kid. Get that boy on a diet before he dies.”

“Yeahhhhhh……..ummmmmm…..ok.”

They exchanged some more small talk before Billy Bob invited him into the house to enjoy a wonderful Christmas dinner with his family. Mr. Cheese looked behind the chair immediately to find one large Bubba Fat playing hide and seek much like he did every night waiting for his father. He was relieved. Everything was good, and laughter filled the house…..except that is when Mrs. Billy Bob Crotchrot walked out of the kitchen and saw Mr. Cheese for the first time and began beating him with a rolling pin to within an inch of his life before Billy Bob could explain. But after that everything was good once again, and Mr. Cheese did change his ways, and his life. He lived a long happy 6 months (major stroke took his ass out) always giving full attention to his students and helping every one of them along the way.

The
    End

Chapter 4

The Last one, The Big Tamale

The dark shadow of a ghost hung over Mr. Cheese like hot tar on a freshly paved road. Mr. Cheese dropped to his knees from fear in the presence of this new spirit.

“You must be the ghost of Computer Administrative yet to come?” asked Mr. Cheese
The spirit stretched out his arm, his cloak hanging off of his arm several inches. From within the dark dwellings of his sleeve protruded a boney withered hand. He did not speak, only pointed with his index finger.

“Not much of a talker are ya? What’s the matter, cat got your tongue, ha,ha,ha……ha…….ha…………uh…………yeeeeaaaahhhh.” Mr. Cheese received no response from the spirit, he continued only in pointing in the same direction. “Your going to show me things to be, are you not spirit?” He was hopeful for even the smallest response from the spirit, but it stood there in the same position cold as stone, pointing. Mr. Cheese was getting pretty used to seeing ghosts, but this one made him uncomfortable to say the least. He stood up to face the ghost, knees shaking, lips trembling, scared to death as he peered into the hood of the spirit and saw nothing but darkness, even though he could feel the heat of it’s dark eyes staring down upon him burning into his soul.

The spirit began floating across the ground in the direction in which he was pointing. Mr. Cheese felt an irresistible urge to follow behind. The scenery didn’t seem to change; much like walking on a treadmill Mr. Cheese got the impression that they weren’t going anywhere. Instead of walking into the city as he had with the previous spirits, the buildings seemed to appear out of thin air all around, then the road beneath them, and just as suddenly there were people. They stopped outside a large building where several people had gathered. The spirit pointed to the group of men and Mr. Cheese obliged by moving in closer to catch a glimpse of their conversation.

“He’s dead all right” said a short stout man with a curled up nose.

“Are you sure? Did you kick him?” Asked a skinnier balding man

“What the fuck do you take me for, of course I kicked him, he was dead as a nail I tell you.” Replied the stout man

“Well is there going to be a funeral?” A quiet girl asked.

“I suppose so, but not much of it, no one liked the man.”

“What did he do with all his countless IT books?” Asked another

“Who knows, knowing him, he wouldn’t give them up even after death; he probably has a Will describing they all be buried with him, or better yet burned.”

A light hearted chuckle came from the crowd of people. Mr. Cheese knew the people; they were former students of his. The crowd continued to converse and fade away; Mr. Cheese looked back at the spirit who now was floating towards him once again, his withered finger pointing farther down the street. It wasn’t long before they came across another, smaller, group of people. Again Mr. Cheese approached them to listen in.

“Old bastard finally got what he deserved.” A business man in a suit said

“So it would appear.” Replied another

Mr. Cheese recognized these gentlemen as well. They were fellow colleagues. But who could they be talking about; surely they wouldn’t still be talking about his partner Speds death after all this time. Besides this was the ghost of things to come, not things in the past. Mr. Cheese shrugged it off and trusted that the spirit would guide him to these answers when the time was right. He stood quietly looking around the streets and busy crowds trying to find himself amongst the people but saw nothing to his likeness. This struck Mr. Cheese by surprise.
They continued to stroll, or rather float down through the town until they came upon a small dismal area known better as the slums. Mr. Cheese had never been here before but he knew the area well. He turned to face the spirit who once again was pointing with his finger to a scraggly house that was dimly lit. Mr. Cheese approached the window. With both hands held on each side of his head he pressed his forehead against the cold glass. Inside he could make out four people gathered beside an open fire and a large box.

“Well slide that damn box over here so we can get this over with.” A large man sitting upon a stool said.

“What’s the fuss, not like he’ll be needing these things anymore?” Another voice said sitting across from the first man

“True, but the sooner we get this over with the better I’ll feel. Just being in the presence of that damn box makes me feel all dirty and low inside.”

“Oh nonsense” said a women walking into the room carrying what seemed to be a pot of coffee “It’s just a box full of his belongings, what are you worried about.” The box was slid over to the large man on the stool while the rest stood by and watched him open it and begin removing the contents inside.

“Look at this, an old tattered rag of a hooded black sweatshirt…..ewww…..” The man said as he held up a large black coat before throwing it inside the fire. “No one will be needed that ugly thing anymore.” The fire erupted with a large flume of yellow and orange flame as the old coat landed atop the smoldering logs within. He reached back inside the box grabbing a handful of glass frames containing several IT certifications. The large man let them slip from his grasp and crash to the floor breaking the glass which once protected the fragile paper certifications inside.

“Ah now look what I have done…….dammit.” The man said

“Well they are of no use anymore, just a bunch of stupid pieces of paper; throw them into the fire as well.” The women replied

“Well if we get nothing else out of his death, at least he kept the fire burning for a few more hours.” They all laughed together at this comment.

Mr. Cheese could not believe how callous these people were with someone’s personal belongings. He cringed as they threw the IT certifications into the fire which once again came roaring to life as it devoured the delicate paper.

“I see spirit” said Mr. Cheese “I see that you are trying to tell me that the way this deceased man is being treated might be my own as well.” He lowered his head from the glass and turned toward the spirit. As he lifted his head the surrounding changed once again. This time he found himself in a cold dark room with not a glimmer of any light.

“Where am I spirit” Mr. Cheese cried out, but there was no response. He turned his head left to right trying to figure out where he was, what room he was in. He could here the scratching of tiny feet as rats ran across the floor boards. Two of them were scuffling off in the corner. Mr. Cheese dared not to get down off the bed as the floor seemed to fill with the sounds of more angry rats hissing and scratching all around him. Quickly he backed himself farther onto the bed before hitting a hard cold lump beneath the covers.

“What is this?” he asked himself, and in that moment a single light shine down onto the bed revealing the outlined figure of a man hidden beneath the covers.

“Who is this man?” asked Mr. Cheese

Another light, much more dim revealed the spirit standing in the corner of the room, rats scurrying beneath his robe. The spirit didn’t seem to mind this, nor did he try to move them out from beneath him, even as they began to bite and tear the flesh from his bones. It almost seemed like the spirit encouraged the little demons as if to be feeding his children. This very site sent chills down Mr. Cheese’s spine and he found himself in that same position he was the night the first spirit had visited him, scared to death. He looked again at the figure below the covers which was covered from head to toe.

“I ask you again spirit, who is this beneath the covers? Is this the man that the town seemed to hate?”
Once again the spirit raised his hand in silence, what little flesh he had was now dripping off of his bones like a hot candle burning through the night. He pointed at the mans head instructing Mr. Cheese to pull back the covers.

Mr. Cheese looked down at the figure, something deep down inside him wanted to pull back the covers, wanted to see what lay beneath, wanted to know, but there was a much larger part of him that withdrew his hand before it came in contact with the sheet which lay upon the face of the dead man.

“No, I can’t…..I CAN’T I TELL YOU” Cried Mr. Cheese

The spirit thrust forth his arm once again at the head of the dead man beneath the covers at which time a loud crack of thunder could be heard echoing from within the room as if the spirit himself had some how mastered the will of nature. Mr. Cheese reached for the covers once again, his hand shaking immensely. Closer and closer he got until he could hear the sounds of whispers all around him. These were not the whispers of pleasant people, instead they were angry whispers, spitting out obscenities and foul language like a cheap hooker. As Mr. Cheese’s hand got close to the sheet which covered the head of the dead man the whispers became louder, and louder, filling his ears to the point of screams. He withdrew his hand once again and covered his ears. The screams fell silent.

“No, I can’t…….please spirit don’t make me do it. Show me that there is someone out there that does not hate this man.” And with that the spirit withdrew his arm and opened his robe revealing a small picturesque window.

“Dude, you got a DVD player in your robe?.........That’s so fucking cool……..”

Mr. Cheese watched as a scene unfolded. It was the house of one of his students. Inside a young woman nervously paced back and forth as she awaited the return of her husband. The door swung open sending in the cold air from outside. The woman stopped in her tracks and turned to face the open door in which her husband stood.

“Is it good news, or bad?” She asked

“It’s good, the stories were true, he is dead.”

“So what about your training, who will take over as your teacher, can you get an extension now.”

“Slow down woman, I don’t know the answers to any of these questions yet, but for now we can rest easy.” And with that they both smiled and sat down at the table to enjoy their meal.

It saddened Mr. Cheese to see the only pleasure brought to anyone from the deceased man was in fact his death. The scene then changed again to that of a much darker one. It was Billy Bob Crotchrot’s house, only this time there was no smiles on the faces of the children. There was no Bubba Fat hiding behind a chair waiting for his father to come home. The family was dressed all in black and preparing for what looked like a funeral. Mr. Cheese listened in as Billy Bob broke down in tears weeping talking about his fat son. It was obvious that Bubba Fat had passed on due to his obesity. The spirit closed his robe and the room began to whirl with black smoke. They now found themselves standing beside a small church outside of any busy cities, away from all the hustle and bustle of any town. Next to the church was a small graveyard littered with old dead trees. The grass had not been cut for sometime, and the gravestones were buried beneath blankets of vines and overgrown grass. It was obvious that this was a graveyard for the forgotten, the hated, and the repulsed, for which no one ever visited.
The wind was howling throughout the graveyard as the spirit and Mr. Cheese approached a small headstone near the back of the site. They stopped several feet from the stone and the spirit once again pointed, this time directly at Mr. Cheese. His heart stopped and his knees fell weak as Mr. Cheese undoubtedly knew what the spirit wanted.

“Tell me spirit before I turn to look at this lonely gravestone, was the man lying on the bed……was it me?”

The spirit did not move, and even though the wind was blowing Mr. Cheese’s pajamas practically off his body, the spirit and his robe stood motionless. Mr. Cheese glanced over his shoulder at the headstone, squinting his eyes to see the name engraved upon it. A large crash of lighting lit the sky for miles illuminating the stone in all its glory. Neither grass, nor vines could hide what Mr. Cheese eyes now saw. It was his name engraved on the stone.

“Is this my fate? Is this my future? Please spirit say it isn’t so. I have learned my lesson; I will live the ways of the three spirits. I will embrace Christmas and all it’s glory, I will not go back to my old ways, I am a changed man, please tell me that my efforts will not go ignored, that I can still change this future.” Mr. Cheese dropped to his knees and clutched onto the robe of the spirit. “Please I beg of you, let me change…….” The spirit did not move as Mr. Cheese sobbed loudly into his robe. Again Mr. Cheese begged and pleaded with the spirit to give him another chance, and with that, the wind stopped, the howling was gone, and the robe in which he clung to, dropped into a pile of nothing at his feet. Mr. Cheese looked around to see he was back in his bedroom, the light shinning through the windows had told him it was the beginning of a new day.

Chapter 3

Spirit Two of Three

Mr. Cheese laid sound asleep in his bed until the horrible beeping sound from his alarm clock awakened him. Unconsciously he reached over with his left hand blindly in the dark trying to find the off switch with his head still buried beneath the sheets. He mumbled into his pillow as his hands glanced over each button until arriving at the one that would silence the screaming beast.

He rolled over in his bed and stared up at the ceiling. His hands formed into little fists as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes. His mouth gaping open as he let out a long and exhausted yawn, and just as suddenly as if to be stung by a bee, Mr. Cheese sat straight up in his bed and looked around the room remembering that the second of three spirits was supposed to visit him at 3:00AM.

He looked to the windows but saw nothing, he glanced inside his open closet and again saw nothing. As he turned his head towards his closed bedroom door he could see an ominous glow emitting from the space between the bottom of the door and the floor. He knelt down on the floor and tried to peer underneath but could see nothing. He tilted his head as to put his ear close to the opening and for a brief moment he thought he could hear the sounds of rap music coming from the other room.

Hesitantly, Mr. Cheese stood up and reached for the handle to open the door. It was cold and Mr. Cheese withdrew his hand as if touching a hot stove. After realizing the door could not harm him he once again reached for the handle and slowly began to turn it. As the door opened, a bright light began to fill his room like a tidal wave splashing against the walls and across his floor turning shadows into distinct objects throughout his room.

When the door reached the half way point a voice coming from the living room called out his name and told him to enter. Mr. Cheese was a bit hesitant but eventually succumbed and exited his room.
It was his house, or so it seemed, but something was definitely different. Gold chains and jewelry hung from all the walls giving the room a warm golden glow. On the floor were stacks of coins and money from every denomination. Everything about the room seemed to scream money and Mr. Cheese was beginning to feel a little more at ease.

“Get your ass in here cracker” the ghost demanded “and sit with me and my beautiful bling as so we can get to know each other a little better.”

Mr. Cheese strode across the room not making any eye contact with the ghostly figure that lay across his couch. His eyes were hidden behind oversized dark sun glasses, and he wore a large furry robe much like a pimp. Across his hands lay a ring that covered all four fingers with the words “Yeah” upon them. Atop his head was an over sized baseball cap turned slightly sideways.

“Are you the ghost of Computer Administrative Christmas present?” Asked Mr. Cheese

“WHAT????” replied the ghost

“I said, are you the ghost of Computer Administrative Christmas present?”

“WHAT????” again the ghost replied

“Ghost of Computer Administrative present?” Mr. Cheese repeated

“WHAT????”

“Ghost of Computer Administrative present?”

“YEAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!”

“Ahhhh……ok!” Mr. Cheese sat with a puzzled look at the ghost that sat across from him with a big smile across his face.

“My friends call me Lil John.” The ghost explained

“May I call you the same?” Asked Mr. Cheese

“OK!!!!!!” The ghost shouted “You have never seen the likes of a man such as myself have you Mr. Cheese?”

“No, I must say I have not!”

“Have you never walked with members of my race and statute before?”

“No, I can’t say I have had the pleasure!” Mr. Cheese stated

“WHAT????”

“I said no!”

“WHAT????”

“NO!!” Mr. Cheese was loosing his patience

“OK!!!!”

“Spirit, do with me as you must, I have already learned so much from the last spirit. I await what you shall teach me this hour.”

“Touch my robe” the ghost demanded “NO, not there you sick son of a bitch.”
“Oh sorry” Mr. Cheese moved his hand and grabbed onto the sleeve of the elegant purple and white furry robe.
In an instant the room and all of its glorious jewelry were gone.
They found themselves standing on a street corner of a dismal part of town. The streets were not plowed of their snow as the city refused to come to this part of town. Garbage was strewn about the streets, and cluttered up in large piles in front of old building fronts now all closed down. Windows were boarded up, while other boar bars across them to keep intruders out. It was not a pretty site and not one anybody would want to find themselves living, and yet there seemed to be a good sized population living here. There was but one shop in all of the small town run by a foreign guy paralyzed on his left side from being beaten and robbed so many times.
Mr. Cheese and the spirit stood by for what seemed like hours watching these peasants as they made the best of their poor lives. The spirit was especially and would sprinkle gold dust upon their heads as they passed by. As he did this it would bring a smile to each ones face. Although as with the past, the people could not see Mr. Cheese or the spirit, it seemed as if the mere presence of the spirit seemed to bring joy into the people’s hearts. In time the store closed, and the people on the streets hurried home to begin cooking their Christmas feasts.

“Why do you sprinkle gold dust upon their heads?” asked Mr. Cheese

“Because, it cheers them up, and takes all there worries away if only for a moment.” Responded the spirit

“But they are poor!”

“It is the poor ones that need it the most as they have nothing to begin with.”

“But it is your family and mine that has put these families out in the cold that have deprived them an honest day’s work and it is our past that starves them now.”

“YEAH!!!!” replied the ghost “There are some upon this beautiful earth of your kind….”

“And by “Your kind” you mean white?”

“Yeah…..yeah……that would have us all treated this way if they could prosper from it. Remember this and do not blame them, but only yourself.”

Mr. Cheese nodded his head in acknowledgment. As they strolled down the street they followed one person in particular until he arrived at his home. Once again the spirit began to sprinkle the gold dust across the doorway which read “The Crotchrot Family”. Yes that’s right, the spirit had followed and led Mr. Cheese to the door of the lone student with the tattered clothing.
Snow was beginning to fall outside as the spirit and Mr. Cheese shuffled themselves inside the old house. Before them in the dining area was a large table with place settings for several poeple. A small fire was burning in the fireplace and in the corner was an old Tandy Computer system. Standing next to it were two children around the ages of ten playing a game of pong. As Billy Bob Crotchrot entered the room two more children came running in to great him with smiles and hugs.

“Crotchrot really got around.” Mr. Cheese observed

“YEAH!!!!.......you crackers, always pushin mo babies out den you cans afford.” Replied the ghost.

Billy Bob Crotchrot looked around the room as if puzzled. “Why where is Bubba Fat?” (Not to be confused with Tiny Tim, or Bubba Fet from Star Wars mind you……long story, a lot of legal issues…….) It was always a game for the young stunted lad with an eating disorder which caused him to limp like a short fat Umpa Lumpa, to hide from his father while waiting for him to come home from work. Billy Bob Crotchrot stood in the center of the room for more then five minutes while everyone was silent. Finally after 20 minutes the stunted gimpy fatso boy came waddling out from behind a chair. It took him this long to muster up the strength to stand up.

“Ah there you are my chubby little boy.” Billy Bob Crotchrot bent down and gave his son a hug, his arms barely reaching half way around his large body.

Together they all went back to the table and sat at their respective places to eat dinner. The room was filled with laughter each one telling stories of their daily adventures. They were filled with joy as if they were the richest people on earth. You would have expected a huge fancy feast to arrive on the table with how everyone was caring on, but instead it was not. No huge bowl of mashed potatoes this Christmas day. No Pumpkin pie covered in whip cream. Not even a large stuffed bird to go along with the seasonal tradition. In fact when Mrs. Crotchrot returned from the kitchen with the plate to which the bird lay, it wasn’t even a small turkey, but instead a small pigeon they had found dead on the streets earlier that week stuffed with stale old bread crumbs. Mrs. Crotchrot drove the knife in just as you would with a large bird and gave each person a small portion to feast on. No one complained and they all enjoyed it as if they were sitting and eating at your local “Old Country Buffet”.
After finishing their meals they all nestled in next to the fire as Billy Bob Crotchrot threw another small log into the fireplace. Mrs. Crotchrot brought over a large jug and placed it on a small table beside Billy Bob.

“Ah my fair lady, did you brew me a batch of your famous Orange peal ketchup packet hooch?” Asked Mr. Crotchrot

“I most certainly did, finished fermenting just this morning.” Replied Mrs. Crotchrot

Mr. Crotchrot poured himself a glass of some of the most foul looking liquid ever to enter a mans mouth…….well unless you watched fear factor lately………oh, and there was that time on 5th street with the hooker, but that’s another story another day.
After a couple of glasses Mr. Crotchrot turned to the rest of the family and pronounced
“Merry chrishmash to ush all, God blesh us………BURRPPPPP!!!!!”

To which his family repeated….but with less slurring.

“God bless Twinkies!”  Piped Bubba Fat

The entire family turned their heads to look at Bubba Fat in disgust.

“What the fuck is wrong with you boy!!!!” asked Mrs. Crotchrot

“Oh mother, he’s just hungry.” Replied one of his siblings innocently enough.

“I know he’s hungry, he’s always hungry, why the fuck do you think we had to eat a damn pigeon for dinner tonight. Damn kid eats out of house and home.”
Ma Crotchrot always got like that when she started drinking her hooch. The rest of the family would just ignore her. It was obvious that Bubba Fat’s excessive weight might some day send him to an early grave, this much was you could see just by looking into the sad eyes of the family.

“Tell me spirit” Mr. Cheese inquired “Will Bubba Fat live?”

“I see an empty sunken cushion on the love seat” the ghost replied “And an unopened Twinkie on the coffee table.”

“NO, NO, it can’t be, say it isn’t so spirit.” Mr. Cheese begged

“WHAT????”

“I said…. Oh never mind.”
  
They continued to watch the family on this joyous day.

“And to you Mr. Cheeeeessseee………I toast your wisdom.” Mr. Crotchrot said

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Mrs. Crotchrot asked “That old grumpy bustard, you’re going to waste my good hooch on that asshole?”

“Please mom, not in front of the children.”

“Well I will toast to his death but not to his wisdom” and with that she raised her glass and the rest of the room followed. The mere mention of Mr. Cheese’s name seemed to bring a black cloud to the festivities. They may not have been rich, and they may not have been pretty even by circus freaks standards, but they were happy. Mr. Cheese never took his eyes off of Bubba Fat, his face saddened, his eyes welling up with tears.
The spirit grabbed Mr. Cheese’s sleeve and guided him out of the house.
Mr. Cheese held his head low as they walked down the snow covered sidewalks, not lifting his head when the children snickered as he passed by them, not raising his head to watch the spirit sprinkle his gold dust on the people that crossed their path. He couldn’t stop thinking about poor fat ass Bubba Fat and his fate. A cold chill sent shivers down Mr. Cheese’s spine; he looked up to see a very dark and dismal place, well beyond the city.

“What is this place spirit?” Asked Mr. Cheese

The spirit said nothing but continued on. The sounds of waves could be heard splashing up against a shoreline in the distance. As they continued to walk a dim light shined through the night at the edge of the shore.

“Where are we going now?”

Again the spirit said nothing but continued on. The stepped off of a small dock and onto a boat littered with people. “I recognize these people.” Mr. Cheese commented. Indeed he did, the boat was filled with former students of his.

“Ha, Ha, Ha, Blah Heisenbug, he used to always say.” One of them commented

“Man we used to pick on him so bad behind his back……” another said

“Yeah, poor old son of a bitch never new what hit him when we were in there, I almost feel sorry for him.”

“Well I don’t” One student spoke up “he was a bitter old asshole who made learning anything a living hell.”

“Well it’s a pity he didn’t want to join us tonight to celebrate our graduation. He never was one for social gatherings.”

“Let’s play a game shall we. I will think of something and you all have to try and guess it, you may ask me any yes or no question you want and I will answer honestly. So who will begin?”

The students were all too eager to play along and before long they were barking out questions. “Is it an animal?” asked one to which the reply was “No!”, “Is it human?” to which the reply was “Yes!” It wasn’t long before they had narrowed it down to a human male.

“Is he old?”

“Yes!”

“Is he an asshole?”
“Yes!”

“I’ve got it, is it Mr. Cheese?”

“Yes, you’ve got it.” The student shouted in enthusiasm. The entire group roared with laughter at poor Mr. Cheese’s expense.

“Well Mr. Cheese, a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you, wherever you may be this night.” And with that the students all held up their glasses and toasted one another.

A single tear ran down Mr. Cheese’s cheek as he watched the entire display.

“I had no idea I was looked upon as such an evil person” But before Mr. Cheese could utter another word, the entire scene layed out in front of them was gone just as quickly as it had appeared. He glanced back at the spirit who now appeared to have aged significantly throughout the night.

“Is your spirit life short?” Asked Scrooge

“YEAH!!!!”

“Oh Christ here we go again.” Mr. Cheese shook his head back and forth with his hand on his forehead.

Suddenly the old town clock stuck the hour of 4:00AM. Mr. Cheese raised his head to look at the spirit, but he was gone. Mr. Cheese was left alone in the dark with only the sound of the wind blowing through the dried branches on the trees scratching against themselves as they swayed back and forth. As the last stroke of the clock rang out Mr. Cheese remembered what the ghost who had visited him the first night had told him.
His heart began to pound loudly inside his chest as he could feel an uncomfortable presence surrounding him. His breathing became rapid as he was frozen in his tracks. Afraid to look around in hopes that maybe if he didn’t see the last spirit it might go away and yet for some reason he felt compelled to turn his head. Off in the distance he could see a dark figure approaching him. It was draped in a long black cloak; a hood over its head hid its face from being seen. It did not walk, but instead seemed to float a few inches off the ground as it approached him. Kind of like Chris Angel. Mr. Cheese looked back in hopes that the other spirit might reappear and take him away from this evil looking ghost, but there was nothing there. He turned back to the direction in which the spirit was fast approaching, who was now hovering over him like a dark shadow.

“Oh shit, this can’t be good.”