I want what she’s Smoking
I’ve been thinking about getting some happy pills to help me quit smoking. Several people around me think this would be a good idea as well, mainly because they fear for their lives. If you don’t know what the happy pills are let me explain.
A long time ago in a pharmacy far, far away………
Depressed people all over the world didn’t know what to do with themselves until one day a little pill called Wellbutrin came along. This pill made the peoples depression go away. But with all drugs there were side effects. But in the case of Wellbutrin the side effects turned out to be good. People taking the pill that smoked found out that they no longer had an urge to smoke and within a few months were able to quit. That’s right, seems that little pill for depression suppresses certain urges in the brain. But it didn’t just suppress the urge to not smoke, nope; the pill didn’t know where to draw the line. Turns out the pill just suppresses urges all together. So, no more urges to smoke, ok that’s good, and no more urges to eat…..well if you’re over weight then that’s good too. No more urges for SEX! Ok that last one really sucks but what do I care, I live alone.
The pill is now marketed as a quit smoking pill called Zyban. Trust me people, the price is different but it’s the same damn drug. Here’s the real kicker. For some reason insurance companies want you to keep smoking. I know, I know, crazy thinking huh. But it’s true because if you try to get them to pay for Zyban you can forget it. However, getting them to pay for Wellbutrin, an anti-depressant drug no less, seems to be much easier. Now insurance companies are no dummies, they picked up on this little trick pretty fast. So now instead of going to my doctor and telling him I want to quit smoking, now I have to tell him I’m fucking crazy, and with me cutting back on smoking I plead a pretty damn good case, just ask my co-workers.
The best part about Wellbutrin is the fact that it is an anti-depressant. See normally quitting smoking makes people a real joy to be around, and by joy I mean getting an enema on a daily basis from an angry elephant while being skull fucked by two large men. However, since Wellbutrin is also an anti-depressant, quitting smoking is a lot easier because it helps to subside the crabbiness or in my case the, “shut the fuck up before I kill you” feelings. Yes Wellbutrin is my new happy pill. And that leads us into today’s story.
It’s Friday night around 7:00 and I decide to hit the pharmacy on the way home to pick up my prescription I had dropped off three days prior.
I walk up to the window at the local pharmacy to pick up my prescription. The lady behind the counter bears a striking resemblance to Grace the secretary from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. In fact I think it might actually be her. From this point on she will be known as Grace.
“Can I help you?” Grace asks me
“Yeah I’m here to pick up my prescription; I dropped it off three days ago.”
“Well if you’ll just go down two more windows someone will be with you shortly.” She says with a big cheesy smile on her face.
“But that window says ‘Drop Off’. And this one says ‘Pick Up’, which is why I am here.” I explain to her
“I’m sorry sir but as I already told you, you’ll need to go down two windows and someone will be with you shortly.”
I figure there is no sense in arguing so I do as she asked and head down two more windows to the “Drop Off” counter. Looking around the pharmacy I can see I am the only other one in the store, and Grace seems to be the only one working behind the counter. I wait patiently for a few minutes watching as her hands keep busy out of eye sight. I start clicking my finger nails on the counter hoping to draw her attention but to no avail (Possibly because I have no fingernails left after chewing them to distract my urge to light up). I start grabbing useless pamphlets near by to help curb my boredom.
Let’s see “When checking for breast cancer, start at the outer edge and work around your breast in circles, getting closer to your nipple with each circle.” OK!!! I think that’s enough reading for now.
I glance over at the side wall “If you need assistance please ring buzzer!” Hmmm……interesting. I push the button for the buzzer letting out a pleasant “Ding Dong”. This seems to have grabbed the attention of Grace as I see her heading my way.
“Can I help you sir?”
“Yeah, remember me?”
“No…… should I?”
“Yeah, I came in here to pick up a prescription I dropped off three days ago……I was down at the other window…….you told me to come over to this window…..remember!” The look on her face tells me I am wasting my breathe.
“No, doesn’t ring a bell, but you’ll have to go down to the ‘Pick Up’ window and someone will be right with you.”
“You’re joking right.” I say half smiling
“No, see the sign above you, this window is for ‘Drop Off’s’ only. You have a ‘P-i-c-k- U-p’ which is down at the other window.” She says that last part real slow as if I’m the retarded one here. She even talks like Grace from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off ending each sentence with that big cheesy smile.
“And someone will be right with me?”
“Yes!” she assures me
“Aren’t you here alone?”
She looks around as if she isn’t sure of herself. “Yes I am.”
“Ok, so when you tell me someone will be with me shortly, you mean you right?” I’m trying to make sure I fully understand how this works.
“Yes I suppose so!”
It’s getting late and I just want to go home so rather than argue anymore I let out a loud sigh and shuffle back down two windows. In the process I seem to have forgotten to keep an eye on Grace and I am once again standing at a window alone. In fact she seems to have disappeared from the store completely. I keep my composure and look around for another buzzer but there isn’t one to be found at this window. I decide to give her the benefit of the doubt and wait a little while longer. I mean who knows; maybe she just went to the bathroom, or in her case, possibly abducted by aliens. I look up at the clock on the wall; it is now 7:30. I have now wasted the last 30 minutes of my life in this store for no reason. Ok, enough of this, I run down to the first window……yes that would be the “Drop Off” window for those of you still painlessly paying attention. I push the buzzer again, and immediately run back down to the “Pick Up” window, where Grace is standing with a smile on her face.
“Ahhhhh……you startled…..I mean where…….how long have you been…….”
“Are you ok sir?” She asks
“Ummmm…..yeah I think so.” Am I in the Twilight Zone?
“How can I help you today?”
“I’m here to pick up a prescription I dropped off three days ago.”
“Ok, I can help you, now what’s the name.” I give her my name and she taps away at her computer for a few minutes. “Date of birth?” I give her this as well before I finally hear “Oh here we are, yes…..ok……ummm……that will be about twenty minutes.”
“TWENTY MINUTES?????” I’m not enjoying this experience anymore “What the hell have you people been doing the last three days.”
“Well, I went to the store on Monday, oh and yesterday I had lunch with my sister….”
“I didn’t mean…..never mind……..can I ask you a question?”
“Yes!”
I lean in over the counter looking into her eyes. “When I walked through those doors forty minutes ago, did I walk into some weird realm of reality only known to you and this store?”
She furrows one brow thinking for a moment before responding. “No….I don’t think so.”
“Ok, just checking, and there’s no one else in the store to help speed this up?”
“Nope, but I’ll be back with your prescription in about thirty minutes.”
“Thirty? But you said…..” Before I can finish she is walking off amongst the many isles of drugs. By the time this is all said and done I think I will need a much stronger prescription. Once again I try and find something to occupy my time which isn’t going any better than the first attempt. I’ve now taken my blood pressure twice, which seems to be increasing the longer I wait here, checked both my breasts for lumps, which I am happy to say I am lump free, and discovered that this particular pharmacy stocks forty seven different brands of condoms. This is getting tedious, I decide to get up and walk around the store a little.
Soft pleasant elevator music plays through the speakers as I roam the isles one by one. I can’t help but hear this tiny whining noise like a small motor struggling to move a large object, but can’t quite place where it is coming from. I stop and look from side to side, still nothing, that’s when I glance up at the ceiling to see a security camera staring down at me like a watchful hawk eyeing its prey. Could this be where the noise is coming from? I walk two more isles down and head the opposite direction I was last standing. Sure enough when I look back up at the camera it is still focused on me. I turn to walk back towards the pharmacy desk when I am greeted by a large gentleman in a rent-a-cop uniform.
“Help you find something sir, maybe something small that will fit in your pocket” I seriously think I am in the Twilight Zone and this episode is entitled ‘What celebrities would be doing if they weren’t celebrities’ because this guy looks and talks exactly like David Puddy from Seinfeld.
“What the hell are you talking about? You think I’m stealing?” I ask totally insulted.
“Come with me sir!” He says grabbing my arm hauling me behind him like a rag doll.
The next thing I know I’m in a small dark office filled with thick cigar smoke from David’s partner. A naked lady calendar hangs on the wall from 1968, I giggle and point when I see it, David shoots me a stern look which abruptly stops my giggling.
“So did you really think you were going to get away with it?” David asks me, his partner leans forward blowing smoke into my face. I guess to intimidate me which would have worked if he wasn’t but three feet tall.
“I wasn’t trying to get away with anything; I was simply waiting for my prescription to get filled so I can go home.”
“Prescription huh, figures you would be on drugs.” Another insult delivered by the rent-a-cop
“Well what the fuck ever, that’s the truth.” I say leaning back in my chair crossing my arms smugly.
“Yeah right, that’s why you asked the clerk twice if she was alone in the store and then walked up and down each isle real slow. I suppose that’s also why you kept staring up at the cameras just before I stopped you from dropping a load of merchandise into your pants and robbing us blind.”
This goes on for another ten minutes before I just plain am tired and give up. “Yep ok you’re right, you got me bud.”
“I’m not your bud”
“Well whatever, you caught me, but since I don’t have any merchandise on me, I’m going to leave now, is that ok with the two of you?” I ask
“Yeah I guess, but mark my words, we’ll be watching you.”
“I wouldn’t expect anything less.” I whisper under my breath as I walk out.
I head back down a narrow stair case out the security door and back into the pharmacy, which now has those little tiny garage doors at each window with signs that read “Sorry. We’re closed for the day!” I leave the store looking up at the cameras that are once again following my every move and I begin to laugh hysterically like a mad man all the while raising my middle finger at people who aren’t even there. Fast approaching footsteps can be heard coming from behind me.
You know………these padded rooms and white vests are kinda cozy.
A long time ago in a pharmacy far, far away………
Depressed people all over the world didn’t know what to do with themselves until one day a little pill called Wellbutrin came along. This pill made the peoples depression go away. But with all drugs there were side effects. But in the case of Wellbutrin the side effects turned out to be good. People taking the pill that smoked found out that they no longer had an urge to smoke and within a few months were able to quit. That’s right, seems that little pill for depression suppresses certain urges in the brain. But it didn’t just suppress the urge to not smoke, nope; the pill didn’t know where to draw the line. Turns out the pill just suppresses urges all together. So, no more urges to smoke, ok that’s good, and no more urges to eat…..well if you’re over weight then that’s good too. No more urges for SEX! Ok that last one really sucks but what do I care, I live alone.
The pill is now marketed as a quit smoking pill called Zyban. Trust me people, the price is different but it’s the same damn drug. Here’s the real kicker. For some reason insurance companies want you to keep smoking. I know, I know, crazy thinking huh. But it’s true because if you try to get them to pay for Zyban you can forget it. However, getting them to pay for Wellbutrin, an anti-depressant drug no less, seems to be much easier. Now insurance companies are no dummies, they picked up on this little trick pretty fast. So now instead of going to my doctor and telling him I want to quit smoking, now I have to tell him I’m fucking crazy, and with me cutting back on smoking I plead a pretty damn good case, just ask my co-workers.
The best part about Wellbutrin is the fact that it is an anti-depressant. See normally quitting smoking makes people a real joy to be around, and by joy I mean getting an enema on a daily basis from an angry elephant while being skull fucked by two large men. However, since Wellbutrin is also an anti-depressant, quitting smoking is a lot easier because it helps to subside the crabbiness or in my case the, “shut the fuck up before I kill you” feelings. Yes Wellbutrin is my new happy pill. And that leads us into today’s story.
It’s Friday night around 7:00 and I decide to hit the pharmacy on the way home to pick up my prescription I had dropped off three days prior.
I walk up to the window at the local pharmacy to pick up my prescription. The lady behind the counter bears a striking resemblance to Grace the secretary from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. In fact I think it might actually be her. From this point on she will be known as Grace.
“Can I help you?” Grace asks me
“Yeah I’m here to pick up my prescription; I dropped it off three days ago.”
“Well if you’ll just go down two more windows someone will be with you shortly.” She says with a big cheesy smile on her face.
“But that window says ‘Drop Off’. And this one says ‘Pick Up’, which is why I am here.” I explain to her
“I’m sorry sir but as I already told you, you’ll need to go down two windows and someone will be with you shortly.”
I figure there is no sense in arguing so I do as she asked and head down two more windows to the “Drop Off” counter. Looking around the pharmacy I can see I am the only other one in the store, and Grace seems to be the only one working behind the counter. I wait patiently for a few minutes watching as her hands keep busy out of eye sight. I start clicking my finger nails on the counter hoping to draw her attention but to no avail (Possibly because I have no fingernails left after chewing them to distract my urge to light up). I start grabbing useless pamphlets near by to help curb my boredom.
Let’s see “When checking for breast cancer, start at the outer edge and work around your breast in circles, getting closer to your nipple with each circle.” OK!!! I think that’s enough reading for now.
I glance over at the side wall “If you need assistance please ring buzzer!” Hmmm……interesting. I push the button for the buzzer letting out a pleasant “Ding Dong”. This seems to have grabbed the attention of Grace as I see her heading my way.
“Can I help you sir?”
“Yeah, remember me?”
“No…… should I?”
“Yeah, I came in here to pick up a prescription I dropped off three days ago……I was down at the other window…….you told me to come over to this window…..remember!” The look on her face tells me I am wasting my breathe.
“No, doesn’t ring a bell, but you’ll have to go down to the ‘Pick Up’ window and someone will be right with you.”
“You’re joking right.” I say half smiling
“No, see the sign above you, this window is for ‘Drop Off’s’ only. You have a ‘P-i-c-k- U-p’ which is down at the other window.” She says that last part real slow as if I’m the retarded one here. She even talks like Grace from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off ending each sentence with that big cheesy smile.
“And someone will be right with me?”
“Yes!” she assures me
“Aren’t you here alone?”
She looks around as if she isn’t sure of herself. “Yes I am.”
“Ok, so when you tell me someone will be with me shortly, you mean you right?” I’m trying to make sure I fully understand how this works.
“Yes I suppose so!”
It’s getting late and I just want to go home so rather than argue anymore I let out a loud sigh and shuffle back down two windows. In the process I seem to have forgotten to keep an eye on Grace and I am once again standing at a window alone. In fact she seems to have disappeared from the store completely. I keep my composure and look around for another buzzer but there isn’t one to be found at this window. I decide to give her the benefit of the doubt and wait a little while longer. I mean who knows; maybe she just went to the bathroom, or in her case, possibly abducted by aliens. I look up at the clock on the wall; it is now 7:30. I have now wasted the last 30 minutes of my life in this store for no reason. Ok, enough of this, I run down to the first window……yes that would be the “Drop Off” window for those of you still painlessly paying attention. I push the buzzer again, and immediately run back down to the “Pick Up” window, where Grace is standing with a smile on her face.
“Ahhhhh……you startled…..I mean where…….how long have you been…….”
“Are you ok sir?” She asks
“Ummmm…..yeah I think so.” Am I in the Twilight Zone?
“How can I help you today?”
“I’m here to pick up a prescription I dropped off three days ago.”
“Ok, I can help you, now what’s the name.” I give her my name and she taps away at her computer for a few minutes. “Date of birth?” I give her this as well before I finally hear “Oh here we are, yes…..ok……ummm……that will be about twenty minutes.”
“TWENTY MINUTES?????” I’m not enjoying this experience anymore “What the hell have you people been doing the last three days.”
“Well, I went to the store on Monday, oh and yesterday I had lunch with my sister….”
“I didn’t mean…..never mind……..can I ask you a question?”
“Yes!”
I lean in over the counter looking into her eyes. “When I walked through those doors forty minutes ago, did I walk into some weird realm of reality only known to you and this store?”
She furrows one brow thinking for a moment before responding. “No….I don’t think so.”
“Ok, just checking, and there’s no one else in the store to help speed this up?”
“Nope, but I’ll be back with your prescription in about thirty minutes.”
“Thirty? But you said…..” Before I can finish she is walking off amongst the many isles of drugs. By the time this is all said and done I think I will need a much stronger prescription. Once again I try and find something to occupy my time which isn’t going any better than the first attempt. I’ve now taken my blood pressure twice, which seems to be increasing the longer I wait here, checked both my breasts for lumps, which I am happy to say I am lump free, and discovered that this particular pharmacy stocks forty seven different brands of condoms. This is getting tedious, I decide to get up and walk around the store a little.
Soft pleasant elevator music plays through the speakers as I roam the isles one by one. I can’t help but hear this tiny whining noise like a small motor struggling to move a large object, but can’t quite place where it is coming from. I stop and look from side to side, still nothing, that’s when I glance up at the ceiling to see a security camera staring down at me like a watchful hawk eyeing its prey. Could this be where the noise is coming from? I walk two more isles down and head the opposite direction I was last standing. Sure enough when I look back up at the camera it is still focused on me. I turn to walk back towards the pharmacy desk when I am greeted by a large gentleman in a rent-a-cop uniform.
“Help you find something sir, maybe something small that will fit in your pocket” I seriously think I am in the Twilight Zone and this episode is entitled ‘What celebrities would be doing if they weren’t celebrities’ because this guy looks and talks exactly like David Puddy from Seinfeld.
“What the hell are you talking about? You think I’m stealing?” I ask totally insulted.
“Come with me sir!” He says grabbing my arm hauling me behind him like a rag doll.
The next thing I know I’m in a small dark office filled with thick cigar smoke from David’s partner. A naked lady calendar hangs on the wall from 1968, I giggle and point when I see it, David shoots me a stern look which abruptly stops my giggling.
“So did you really think you were going to get away with it?” David asks me, his partner leans forward blowing smoke into my face. I guess to intimidate me which would have worked if he wasn’t but three feet tall.
“I wasn’t trying to get away with anything; I was simply waiting for my prescription to get filled so I can go home.”
“Prescription huh, figures you would be on drugs.” Another insult delivered by the rent-a-cop
“Well what the fuck ever, that’s the truth.” I say leaning back in my chair crossing my arms smugly.
“Yeah right, that’s why you asked the clerk twice if she was alone in the store and then walked up and down each isle real slow. I suppose that’s also why you kept staring up at the cameras just before I stopped you from dropping a load of merchandise into your pants and robbing us blind.”
This goes on for another ten minutes before I just plain am tired and give up. “Yep ok you’re right, you got me bud.”
“I’m not your bud”
“Well whatever, you caught me, but since I don’t have any merchandise on me, I’m going to leave now, is that ok with the two of you?” I ask
“Yeah I guess, but mark my words, we’ll be watching you.”
“I wouldn’t expect anything less.” I whisper under my breath as I walk out.
I head back down a narrow stair case out the security door and back into the pharmacy, which now has those little tiny garage doors at each window with signs that read “Sorry. We’re closed for the day!” I leave the store looking up at the cameras that are once again following my every move and I begin to laugh hysterically like a mad man all the while raising my middle finger at people who aren’t even there. Fast approaching footsteps can be heard coming from behind me.
You know………these padded rooms and white vests are kinda cozy.
posted by Mr. Cheese @ 2:13 PM
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