Can't a guy get a BRAKE?

Originally Posted Wednesday, August 03, 2005

I decided to save a little money this weekend and install a new set of front brakes on my car. Word of warning, if your car exceeds the 150 thousand mile mark, replacing brakes could lead to other repairs, or as so it did in my case anyway. After replacing the brakes on my car I took it for a test drive. Vroom, down the street I went, screw the slow test, we went right for the 50 miles an hour towards a stop sign, if I fudged up the brakes we’ll hit a brick wall on the other side of the street. With a firm stomp from my foot on the brake pedal my car came to an immediate halt. “Cool” I thought to myself, everything is in working order. Nothing else went wrong and I saved a ton of money by doing it myself.

The next morning I am greeted with the warm sunshine cascading through my bedroom window. Anxious to test out my new brakes on the open road, I waste no time in getting ready for work and busying myself out the door. After a few short miles I am on my way down the interstate……and that’s when things went bad.

It started out as a slight squealing sound.

“That’s odd” I said out loud. Deep down in my gut I started to feel a sinking feeling, much like the one you get after swallowing something from the refrigerator that you realize has expired 4 days prior. Trying to ignore the obvious I begin to look around the car for anything that might be creating the noise other then what sounds to be a failing brake system.

I turn the radio down…….nope that doesn’t help, its still there, and turning the radio down has only proven more so that the sound I am hearing is emitting from outside the car right around the left front tire.
Immediately your mind starts to race through every step you undertook in the procedure leading up to this nasty sound.

“Did I tighten the lug nuts? Did I put the right brake on the right side? Was that little metal clip that broke off while banging on it with a hammer to get it into place that important? Why did I have more bolts when I finished then when I started.”
I now begin to realize that I could possibly be driving my coffin to my own grave site. Trying to relax I decide since the noise isn’t getting louder I might be ok and the piston on the caliper just needs to adjust itself a little more. I turn the radio back on to try and relax myself.

“I’m on the highway to hell……..I’m on the highway to hell” The sounds of AC/DC’s Highway To Hell come screaming through my speakers. My fingers stretch out and begin pushing the preset buttons trying to find something a little more appropriate to lighten the mood and ease the tension.

“I’m on top of the world looking down on creation and the only explanation I can find……” ah the soothing melodies of Karen Carpenter, its so relaxing I think I’m going to puke. Suddenly without warning my head is thrown forward towards the windshield, my seat belt catching my upper torso and thrusting my body back like slingshot. My heart is racing; confused at what just happened I look around to see if I struck something. Nope can’t see anything, the car now slowing at an alarming rate as if I dropped anchor off my port bow. It only takes a few moments to realize something has gone seriously wrong with my newfound brake installation. After a few miles of the most horrific screams coming from the front drivers side wheel, and my car jerking ferociously from time to time as the caliper continues to fail I begin to wonder if I should have taken my car into the shop to get the brakes done. “Nonsense” I shout out loud to myself as if that little voice of reason inside my head were listening to me. “I’ve changed my own brakes before, and I have even done it on this very same car with no problems. Obviously it must be the brakes at fault.” I decide to push forward knowing that I am only a few miles away from my first stop, the bank. This will give me an opportunity to see if I can see any damage to the car. Besides “If I can make it there, I’ll make it anywhere…..it’s up to you New York…….” Ok, time to turn the radio back to a rock station before I go insane with show tunes. I arrive at the bank, heads turning, eyes wincing, as people throw their hands over their ears at the obvious sounds of pigs being slaughtered comes from my front tire.

Great timing, the bank hasn’t opened yet giving me the time I need to inspect the front tire. I step out looking around as if I have no idea what people are staring at. Hmmmm, I wonder how hot the wheel is from the brake being stuck for the last 10 miles. A hissing sound and a sharp pain emits from the tip of my finger as I test my last theory.

Yep it’s hot all right.

“Too late to turn back now” I think to myself. All I can do is hope the wheel cools off enough while I am in the bank for me to make it to work.

Mental note, explaining to officer you needed to pee on your tire to cool it off might result in a breathalyzer.

Digital interference

Originally posted July 29th 2005

This morning started as I suspect all mornings start out when you’re in Hell. I spilled coffee all down the front of my white shirt, logged in to find that a student had disconnected my Ethernet because they preferred that port on the switch, and of course it’s Friday so I am all alone.

The director strides in all smiles and wide eyed, obviously pointing out the fact that he wasn’t indulged in any late night drinking affairs such as myself.
“Good morning everyone, and how are we today?” He announces from the other room.
A very quiet and somber “ehhhh” comes from anyone within earshot.

Not really wanting to be confronted or bothered this early in the morning I decide to look busy at my desk until I hear him retire into his office. After a few minutes of office chat I hear his door open and close. I figured this would be a good time to make a break for the bathroom as all the coffee, minus what I spilled onto myself mind you, is catching up with me rather quickly. With no students in yet I take my chances and make way to the front door rather then escape through one of the convenient side doors. But before I can get there I hear the sounds of a door opening behind me.

“HAPPY FRIDAY” a loud voice shouts from behind me. The unexpected sound startles me to the point I almost piss my pants. I recognize the voice as the directors and spin around to confront him.

“I saw you coming and thought I would say good morning.”

Saw me coming? What the hell is he talking about? I glance over his shoulder into the office as his door is closing to witness a small color television with several images on it. Holy shit they’ve installed cameras here. My face goes pale and a bead of sweat runs down my forehead as I try to be nonchalant looking around the room for the little devils. It’s not long before I spot my first one peaking out from beneath the ceiling tile just behind from where the director is standing. It appears to be a typical wireless webcam you can pick up at any convenient electronics outlet, white in color no less to match the tile in an obvious attempt to conceal it from everyone.

“Like our new security?” he says watching my eyes as I scan the rest of the room looking for more of these little bastards.

Trying to show as much interest as possible while being distracted by the ever increasing urge to expel a jumbo sized cup of coffee, my face scrunches up and I begin to squirm uncomfortably “Yeah, very interesting.”

“Looks like you spilled something on your shirt” he points to my chest and I inevitably fall for the oldest trick in the book as I look down at his finger just before it comes back up at my face whacking my nose forcing my head back. While holding onto his stomach and slapping his hand across his knee he begins to laugh hysterically to himself. “Now that’s funny” he says “and I bet it was caught on our new security cameras too.”

I let out a half ass smile while nodding my head and rubbing my nose.
“So what’s with all the added security suddenly?” I ask

“Well” he says wrinkling his face into that of a person who just ate a sour grape “corporate says we should have more security incase……”

“Incase a student goes off the deep end and starts throwing books like a rapid dog?” I say sarcastically

“Well……yeah kind of, but more to act as a theft deterrent.”

“Theft deterrent?” puzzled by his comment.

“So students aren’t leaving with books or materials they shouldn’t be."
Yeah because stealing school books is an ever rising crime in this country and these evil-doers must be stopped at all costs.

“So why wireless?”

“They were the cheapest, plus I saved a ton of money from what corporate allowed us to spend on them, which means we have money for other things.”

“errrr………yeah…..right, well then lets hope they do the job” I say “now if you will excuse me I really must step out for a minute”

“Oh but of course” He crosses his hands behind his back and with a smile turns to head back into his office. Before he can take even one step I swing my foot as hard as I can under his right leg as he begins to walk forward. -WHAP- his legs become entangled and he stumbles forward almost falling onto his face. He turns catching his breathe and fixing his stringy comb over looking around to see if anyone had just witnessed his little debacle.
“Good one” he says pointing his finger at me.

Standing at attention, a smirk on my face, taking in my brief moment of victory I say out loud, “And caught on our new security cameras too.”

“Yeah…….” He admittedly responds “by the way come see me in my office when you get a chance” still pointing his finger at me, now in the shape of a fake gun he cocks his thumb back and makes a motion as if to fire at me giving me a wink and making an odd –chhhck- sound from the corner of his crooked mouth. Great, anytime you’re pulled into his office it can’t be for anything good.

With that I run down the corridor to the bathroom making it just in the knick of time before my bladder explodes.

So, not only do I have the problem of spying eyes to worry about but now I get to look forward to a meeting with the boss about something I don’t remember doing at a time that doesn’t exist in a place I never was. I need to come up with a way to kill two birds with one stone. (A man thinks best while holding onto his brain in front of a urinal cake filled cesspool.) Back at my desk I decide to do some research on our new little spying eyes. This particular model that he decided to purchase happens to operate at 2.4GHz, which is very close to the operating frequency of most standard microwave ovens, (2.45GHz) and ironically we have a standard household microwave oven in the lab. How convenient. This would be a great time to test how long it takes to boil water, wouldn't you agree? With a few beeps and pushing of buttons the microwave comes to life while I watch a bowl of water inside spinning round and round on the turn table like an outdated vinyl record.
Around the corner there seems to be some commotion coming from the front desk. I peak my head around to see what's up.

“What are you doing?” The receptionist asks.

“I need this chair to get up to our new security cameras, something seems to be the matter with them, the screen in back is giving us all kinds of noise and static on every one of them. I just want to make sure that the connections are all ok.” The director says as he begins to mount a swivel computer chair.

“Well ok, but be careful…………”

-WHAM-

The sound of a thunderous crash is echoed throughout the hallways as the director comes crashing down.

“Wow, who would have thought standing on a swivel chair with wheels would have been a bad idea.” I said standing in amazement.

Several people attempt to help him regain his composure, however it appears he injured his back when he fell and will need to go to the doctor.

“Anything I can do to help?” I ask

“No, no, just mind the shop until I can return” he says hunched over, eyes wincing in pain while he rubs his back.

“Ok then take care….” I say waiving to him “oh and I guess that meeting in your office is postponed?” He mumbles something back to me that I can’t quite make out and waddles off to the elevators.

Poor son of a bitch, I hope he’s ok!

I wonder what I can get on eBay for 5 wireless spy cameras?

To laugh or not to laugh!

Originally Posted Wednesday, July 27, 2005

There are a few things that happen throughout the course of the day that can cause you to either laugh or cry depending on the situation. Let me give you a few examples.

“Can you help me with a lab?” a student asks

“Sure, let’s take a look” I say.

“I’m supposed to set up certain permissions and groups according to the lab, then create a dummy web site and restrict who can see the main page.”

“Ok” I say “Sounds simple enough, where are you stuck?” I ask

“Well I setup the permissions like it says and then the groups, and then the web site”

“And den?”

“And then it doesn’t work” he explains.

“Can I take a look at the lab?” Grabbing his book I take a quick scan over the current lab he is working on, I then proceed to check over all the settings to make sure they are the same as the lab. Sure enough they are all the same. I then log into his fake website to see if the proper people are denied access. At this point I see the failure; everyone has access to his website. Interestingly enough after turning the page in his lab book I can see that this is exactly what the lab wanted in order to teach the student about permissions. This student has been struggling with the lab for well over an hour now.
“Interesting” I say. “Have you turned the page yet?”

“No, was I supposed to?” he asks.

“Well that would be the next logical step” I hand his book back to him “read the first paragraph on the next page for me please.”
He takes the book from me and begins mumbling under his breath, his eyes darting back and forth over each line.

“Oh….” He says aloud “Oh….OH…..I see, well that’s really funny” He laughs.

Yeah funny that’s exactly what I was thinking of. Who would have thought you needed to turn the page to figure out what the problem was.
Now this is a situation where you just want to cry. It’s an honest mistake you say! Yes I would agree, if it was a one-time event, but this is the most common event to plague the students. Maybe we need to write to the publishers and have them include a statement at the bottom of each page “SEE NEXT PAGE!” I do believe these people are the for most cause of why we have such labels as “Caution, content in cup maybe hot” or “do not point air nozzle at eyes”

Let’s move onto our next example shall we?

“So how did your student do on his final exam?” I ask a fellow teacher.

“He failed”

“Well, the tests can be difficult; they cause a person to learn a lot of useless terminology and not a lot of real life situations”

“I think the tests are very accurate” he says sounding offended by my last comment.

“So you’re telling me that out in the real world you will have no outside influence, no outside resources, and that the CEO you’re explaining the situation to really cares about the difference between Winblows DOS, and a DoS attack, or any of the other technical jargon that makes up over 40% of each test? Or do you think he just cares if you can get the job done?”

“I don’t think you should take a job unless you know every single thing that might come up while on that job,” (yeah good luck with that one) “and I think the tests do a damn good job at that.” He says puffing out his chest at me.

“Really, answer me this” trying to stay as calm as I possibly can while asking this “How long have you worked out in the field”

“About 3 months after graduating here, and I didn’t come across anything that wasn’t covered in the course or test”

“Wow that’s a long time out in the field you must know everything about Microsoft administration.” (He thinks he is an MCSE God) “look” I say “It’s impossible to know everything about something, and sooner or later your going to need someone’s help even if that means doing some research on the internet”

“Well I haven’t yet?”

I ended the conversation there, but I wouldn’t have to wait long before my theory would be proven. The teacher in question also thinks he is an expert at computer repair in every aspect.
Moments later a student who had been sitting at one of the computer stations preparing to do a lab was having some difficulty trying to get into the bios of an old Compaq Presario desktop computer. His teacher happened to be the so-called “expert”.

I watch as he approaches his teacher and begins to ask questions. I can’t hear the exchange but I can see the student pointing at the computer and making odd hand gestures trying to relay what he has already tried in remedying the situation. I then see the teacher exchange words also with several hand gestures. It’s starting to look like the monkey cage at the zoo. Before long both of them return to the suspect machine which happens to be right in front of my desk. I listen in as the teacher tells the student that Compaq’s are proprietary systems and that includes the way you enter the bios. This statement is true, one point teacher.

“You need to press the F10 key on Compaq’s to enter the bios”

“Actually” I interject “depending on the Compaq model, the way you enter the bios can vary, we wouldn’t want the student to be led to believe that it’s always going to be F10”

“Well yeah, but for this model its F10”

WRONG, two points me.

I sit back and enjoy the monkey half time show being presented to me. If only I had a banana, video camera, and a midget clown I might actually be amused by all of this. After several reboots and attempts to enter the bios, I can see that the teacher is getting a little frustrated.

“Need any help?” I ask with a smug face.

“Ah…..no……um, I don’t know what is going on, I think the system is hosed” he says.

“Why do you say that?”

“Well the book says to enter the bios to hit the F10 key repeatedly”

Trying not to laugh in his face I say “And it’s not working, what will we do now?”

He now tells the student to hold on, he then proceeds to sit down at a working station and open Internet Explorer.
Using outside sources to help your feeble mind, two more points to me.

“Tap….tap…tap….”

“Excuse me…..but are you so stumped that you’re looking on the internet for the answer?”

Two more points, me.

“Well there is obviously something wrong with the machine because I am hitting the correct key at the correct time.”

“True” I say “but on the older models you also needed the diagnostic tools loaded in order to access the bios. Are you sure those are loaded?”

“That’s ridiculous……I’ve never heard of that.”

After several minutes of him clicking through countless web pages I see him get a puzzled look on his face.

“hmmmmm…….funny” he says “looks like that model needs some sort of diagnostic tools loaded to enter the bios”

Gets the rebound, shoots, and boom goes the dynamite.

“Really, how odd that information wasn’t in a book or on any test. Instead you needed outside information to find your answer. I guess if you were out in the field working on a client’s machine with no outside help, you would be screwed right now”

He says not a word but only gives me a glare, the student who had also heard the earlier conversation looks over at me and smiles. I begin to laugh hysterically out loud.

If you don’t understand the above story, try turning the page.

The Zombies have invaded!

Originally posted Saturday, July 23, 2005

I don’t look forward to Fridays like I used to, or like most people do for that matter. Basically I am stuck here all alone on Fridays, so anyone and everyone comes to me with questions whether or not I can help them is yet to be seen. Then there’s always the comforting thought that I will be back here tomorrow morning. Yep, with this job I’m pretty sure I am a Sundays Mondays kind of guy. The good thing is, come football season I will always have a day to recover from Sunday game hangovers. Speaking of football, they say beer can cure any pain. I think I’m going to test that theory this season, with Brett Favre as quarter back there’s bound to be a lot of pain.

Ok enough about that!

I’m sure we have all been at our favorite grocery store, department store, or restaurant at the last few minutes before closing. You know, check your watch 15 minutes before 9:00 and realize oh shit I forgot something really, really important at the store that I needed and that can’t wait until tomorrow. Once you arrive you again check your watch which now reads 8:54. Whew, 6 minutes before closing, you slide in between the automatic doors just before the PFY courtesy one boy scowls at you for breaking his attempt to stop anyone from coming into the store to late.

8:57 and you can’t seem to find anything you’re looking for. You look around for help, but of course any help left in the store is hiding in cloths racks, smoking out back, or sitting on the toilet while the water reflects upon their turd cutter (I finally found a site with my vocabulary-see side links). As you dance from isle to isle like a frog on hot pavement you get the sinking impression you’re being watched with angry eyes from every remaining clerk in the store. 8:59 and then the inevitable happens. They begin to flicker the lights at you. Maybe their flickering the lights at someone else, I’m sure you’re ok to keep wondering the isles aimlessly, - right?
“Attention costumers……..the store will be closing in 2 minutes, please bring all items to the cashier to be checked out. Thanks for shopping with us, and have a great day”

In your mind you’re still thinking “I doubt they meant me, I’m just here for one or two items, they probably mean anyone with a ton of stuff because they will take the longest.”

“Attention costumers, the store is now closed, please bring any un-purchased items to the cashier immediately………..this means you sir, isle three, white shirt, blue jeans who has been walking around lost for the past 10 minutes”

Damn the cameras, they found you.

Now this wouldn’t be so bad but you know once you get up there the first thing she will ask is…. “Find everything ok?”

To which you try to respond with “Ah no, I was looking for someone to help me locate…….”

But before you can finish, “that’s great, here’s your receipt sir, have a nice evening….ok bye, bye now” she responds.

Then there are the ones that hang around well after store hours, taking their sweet time. They don’t care, they’re the costumer right? If you have ever had the pleasure of working at any of the above mentioned type jobs then you know what I am talking about. They walk around all smug, ignoring every attempt you make to hurry them out of the store. Flickering lights has no effect on these people, their like cats and can continue even under the low light emitting from the emergency exit signs. You cut them off at an isle, "Anything I can help you find sir”

“No I’m fine thank you”

“Ok well ah….you do know the store closed 15 minutes ago.”

“Yes but I’m not done shopping” Really, well maybe I should order some road construction outside your house at 3 in the morning jackass.

Now for the most part these people must go somewhere once they do finally leave those stores. Like zombies I think they walk around looking for one another and then all disappear into the night…….or so I thought was the case. WRONG!!!!!!!!

Seems as if they all congregate to some unsuspecting place that happens to be open!
“……hmmmmmm………5 minutes to 8:00pm, and still 10 students in here, what gives, ah crap, the zombies have invaded.”

A few things I have noticed about the zombies. First off, unlike the movies, they seem to be rather intelligent when formed in groups.

Our first group tend to sit around chatting with each other as if to be planning their next move once they leave the school. I call these the coordinating zombies. There doesn’t seem to be, at this time anyway, a one lead zombie, so killing any one of them in this case is going to have no apparent effect on the collective of other zombies.

Our second group is the communicator zombies, these are the ones that duck out about every 15 minutes or so to make a cell phone call (zombies using cell phone? Damn this ever evolving technological world). From what I can gather, these conversations consist of rounding up more zombies to converge onto my location. Depending on what kind of night it is, I have seen reinforcements show up as late as 10 minutes to closing.

Third we have our evil zombies. Thank god for the other zombies keeping them inline, because if these shit for brains had the chance they would suck the life out of you at the first chance they got. These zombies usually keep to themselves like sleeping dogs until about 30 minutes before closing. At about 7:30 they awaken as if some internal clock has just set off inside their body. (I am still trying to figure out if the other zombies are some how communicating with them with some other form then voice communications. I know what you're saying…”Zombies using telepathy?” Rule number one, never under estimate the power of stupid people in large numbers.) Once awake, they move into position, this is usually guarding doors, light switches, unattended machines, and any other means I could use to single closing time.

Once all exits and light switches are guarded the zombies go into what I call “LPA” mode, or “Learning Performance Artist” mode. In this mode, all conversations stop, faces bury into books, and fingers dance across keyboards and mouse clicks making it look as if they are really busy and intent on what they are working on. It’s really a show to watch, if you’re not careful you can fall into a trance at just how busy they make themselves look, before you know it, your brains have been sucked out and your one of them. See most people will not close down if the zombies look really busy. After all, the costumer comes first!

Any feeble attempt by me flickering any un-guarded light switches or shutting down machines is quickly met by an evil guard zombie who will immediately sit down at the machine I just shut off and turn it on. He doesn’t need to look busy the slow boot up of our ancient machines is enough to suffice.

When asked “Why don’t you go and use one of the machines already booted up?”
His/her response is usually something to the effect “ugg, this machine mine” followed by several incomprehensible grunts and moans.

Some of the more simple minded ones can be easily lured out with shinny objects to an awaiting open elevator met by my foot kicking them in the ass to help them along. But others are much more resilient. Today’s success with any of them will be tomorrow’s failure as they continue to adapt to my methods.

For now there is nothing I can do but sit back and wait until they get bored with me and move onto their next victim.

And Boom Goes The Dynamite.

If it’s not broken don’t fix it

Originally posted Thursday, July 21, 2005

When I went to this place we had some very good learning materials to help you complete a course. Now they have new technology, new courses and of course new courseware. I think I can sum up the new stuff in a few sentences.

It sucks!

I don’t like it!

It’s retarded!

Yeah that about does it! When I asked the director the reason behind the change, he simply responded with, “The students today didn’t like the old material”

“Compared to what” I asked.

The new stuff seems to cater to lazy and really ignorant people. The old training material focused more on the student actually trying to learn the course. Seems like our standards have dropped considerably in the past few years! I’ve tried to use the new learning tools, I just can’t stand them. I asked the director if any of the old ones are still available for use.

“Yeah one of them is for sure but the rest are all gone”

“Really, well then sign me up for whatever’s left.”

“Would love to” he says “but unfortunately all our licenses for that one have run out.”

Great, so now I am stuck with this crap. So I decided rather than try to learn this new courseware, my time would be better spent testing out counters for this site.
After setting up two of them and signing up for a third (yeah I don’t know what I want yet, see bottom of page) I have concluded that yes, my time today “Was” better spent surfing the net then working with that crap-ware.

Meanwhile back on the front line all of the computers in the medical lab seemed to have mystically been renamed to all the same thing. So now none of the students can log on. Well actually I shouldn’t say that, one student can log on, but that’s it. The rest of them will have to wait their turn damn it.

I would rename them and join them all back to the domain but it appears as if my credentials are messed up. See, I can take people out of the domain, but putting them back in…..well that’s a different story.

“Hey did you get all the medical labs computers straightened out?”

“Nope, can’t rejoin them to the domain”

“Why not?”

“Well it seems as if I am not part of the administrator group.”

“Are you sure it’s not an I D 10 T error” he laughs

Yeah, um, have I told you all how much I like it here yet? “I don’t think so” I say
I go back to surfing the net, but this time making sure I sign up for every news letter and gay porn site I can using his company email account. Should make for some interesting talk at the next employee meeting I think.

So again, my time was definitely better spent surfing the net today then working with crap-ware for Oracle. Old school rules!!!!!

For JJ, “I said HA HA”