The Zombies have invaded!
Originally posted Saturday, July 23, 2005
I don’t look forward to Fridays like I used to, or like most people do for that matter. Basically I am stuck here all alone on Fridays, so anyone and everyone comes to me with questions whether or not I can help them is yet to be seen. Then there’s always the comforting thought that I will be back here tomorrow morning. Yep, with this job I’m pretty sure I am a Sundays Mondays kind of guy. The good thing is, come football season I will always have a day to recover from Sunday game hangovers. Speaking of football, they say beer can cure any pain. I think I’m going to test that theory this season, with Brett Favre as quarter back there’s bound to be a lot of pain.
Ok enough about that!
I’m sure we have all been at our favorite grocery store, department store, or restaurant at the last few minutes before closing. You know, check your watch 15 minutes before 9:00 and realize oh shit I forgot something really, really important at the store that I needed and that can’t wait until tomorrow. Once you arrive you again check your watch which now reads 8:54. Whew, 6 minutes before closing, you slide in between the automatic doors just before the PFY courtesy one boy scowls at you for breaking his attempt to stop anyone from coming into the store to late.
8:57 and you can’t seem to find anything you’re looking for. You look around for help, but of course any help left in the store is hiding in cloths racks, smoking out back, or sitting on the toilet while the water reflects upon their turd cutter (I finally found a site with my vocabulary-see side links). As you dance from isle to isle like a frog on hot pavement you get the sinking impression you’re being watched with angry eyes from every remaining clerk in the store. 8:59 and then the inevitable happens. They begin to flicker the lights at you. Maybe their flickering the lights at someone else, I’m sure you’re ok to keep wondering the isles aimlessly, - right?
“Attention costumers……..the store will be closing in 2 minutes, please bring all items to the cashier to be checked out. Thanks for shopping with us, and have a great day”
In your mind you’re still thinking “I doubt they meant me, I’m just here for one or two items, they probably mean anyone with a ton of stuff because they will take the longest.”
“Attention costumers, the store is now closed, please bring any un-purchased items to the cashier immediately………..this means you sir, isle three, white shirt, blue jeans who has been walking around lost for the past 10 minutes”
Damn the cameras, they found you.
Now this wouldn’t be so bad but you know once you get up there the first thing she will ask is…. “Find everything ok?”
To which you try to respond with “Ah no, I was looking for someone to help me locate…….”
But before you can finish, “that’s great, here’s your receipt sir, have a nice evening….ok bye, bye now” she responds.
Then there are the ones that hang around well after store hours, taking their sweet time. They don’t care, they’re the costumer right? If you have ever had the pleasure of working at any of the above mentioned type jobs then you know what I am talking about. They walk around all smug, ignoring every attempt you make to hurry them out of the store. Flickering lights has no effect on these people, their like cats and can continue even under the low light emitting from the emergency exit signs. You cut them off at an isle, "Anything I can help you find sir”
“No I’m fine thank you”
“Ok well ah….you do know the store closed 15 minutes ago.”
“Yes but I’m not done shopping” Really, well maybe I should order some road construction outside your house at 3 in the morning jackass.
Now for the most part these people must go somewhere once they do finally leave those stores. Like zombies I think they walk around looking for one another and then all disappear into the night…….or so I thought was the case. WRONG!!!!!!!!
Seems as if they all congregate to some unsuspecting place that happens to be open!
“……hmmmmmm………5 minutes to 8:00pm, and still 10 students in here, what gives, ah crap, the zombies have invaded.”
A few things I have noticed about the zombies. First off, unlike the movies, they seem to be rather intelligent when formed in groups.
Our first group tend to sit around chatting with each other as if to be planning their next move once they leave the school. I call these the coordinating zombies. There doesn’t seem to be, at this time anyway, a one lead zombie, so killing any one of them in this case is going to have no apparent effect on the collective of other zombies.
Our second group is the communicator zombies, these are the ones that duck out about every 15 minutes or so to make a cell phone call (zombies using cell phone? Damn this ever evolving technological world). From what I can gather, these conversations consist of rounding up more zombies to converge onto my location. Depending on what kind of night it is, I have seen reinforcements show up as late as 10 minutes to closing.
Third we have our evil zombies. Thank god for the other zombies keeping them inline, because if these shit for brains had the chance they would suck the life out of you at the first chance they got. These zombies usually keep to themselves like sleeping dogs until about 30 minutes before closing. At about 7:30 they awaken as if some internal clock has just set off inside their body. (I am still trying to figure out if the other zombies are some how communicating with them with some other form then voice communications. I know what you're saying…”Zombies using telepathy?” Rule number one, never under estimate the power of stupid people in large numbers.) Once awake, they move into position, this is usually guarding doors, light switches, unattended machines, and any other means I could use to single closing time.
Once all exits and light switches are guarded the zombies go into what I call “LPA” mode, or “Learning Performance Artist” mode. In this mode, all conversations stop, faces bury into books, and fingers dance across keyboards and mouse clicks making it look as if they are really busy and intent on what they are working on. It’s really a show to watch, if you’re not careful you can fall into a trance at just how busy they make themselves look, before you know it, your brains have been sucked out and your one of them. See most people will not close down if the zombies look really busy. After all, the costumer comes first!
Any feeble attempt by me flickering any un-guarded light switches or shutting down machines is quickly met by an evil guard zombie who will immediately sit down at the machine I just shut off and turn it on. He doesn’t need to look busy the slow boot up of our ancient machines is enough to suffice.
When asked “Why don’t you go and use one of the machines already booted up?”
His/her response is usually something to the effect “ugg, this machine mine” followed by several incomprehensible grunts and moans.
Some of the more simple minded ones can be easily lured out with shinny objects to an awaiting open elevator met by my foot kicking them in the ass to help them along. But others are much more resilient. Today’s success with any of them will be tomorrow’s failure as they continue to adapt to my methods.
For now there is nothing I can do but sit back and wait until they get bored with me and move onto their next victim.
And Boom Goes The Dynamite.
I don’t look forward to Fridays like I used to, or like most people do for that matter. Basically I am stuck here all alone on Fridays, so anyone and everyone comes to me with questions whether or not I can help them is yet to be seen. Then there’s always the comforting thought that I will be back here tomorrow morning. Yep, with this job I’m pretty sure I am a Sundays Mondays kind of guy. The good thing is, come football season I will always have a day to recover from Sunday game hangovers. Speaking of football, they say beer can cure any pain. I think I’m going to test that theory this season, with Brett Favre as quarter back there’s bound to be a lot of pain.
Ok enough about that!
I’m sure we have all been at our favorite grocery store, department store, or restaurant at the last few minutes before closing. You know, check your watch 15 minutes before 9:00 and realize oh shit I forgot something really, really important at the store that I needed and that can’t wait until tomorrow. Once you arrive you again check your watch which now reads 8:54. Whew, 6 minutes before closing, you slide in between the automatic doors just before the PFY courtesy one boy scowls at you for breaking his attempt to stop anyone from coming into the store to late.
8:57 and you can’t seem to find anything you’re looking for. You look around for help, but of course any help left in the store is hiding in cloths racks, smoking out back, or sitting on the toilet while the water reflects upon their turd cutter (I finally found a site with my vocabulary-see side links). As you dance from isle to isle like a frog on hot pavement you get the sinking impression you’re being watched with angry eyes from every remaining clerk in the store. 8:59 and then the inevitable happens. They begin to flicker the lights at you. Maybe their flickering the lights at someone else, I’m sure you’re ok to keep wondering the isles aimlessly, - right?
“Attention costumers……..the store will be closing in 2 minutes, please bring all items to the cashier to be checked out. Thanks for shopping with us, and have a great day”
In your mind you’re still thinking “I doubt they meant me, I’m just here for one or two items, they probably mean anyone with a ton of stuff because they will take the longest.”
“Attention costumers, the store is now closed, please bring any un-purchased items to the cashier immediately………..this means you sir, isle three, white shirt, blue jeans who has been walking around lost for the past 10 minutes”
Damn the cameras, they found you.
Now this wouldn’t be so bad but you know once you get up there the first thing she will ask is…. “Find everything ok?”
To which you try to respond with “Ah no, I was looking for someone to help me locate…….”
But before you can finish, “that’s great, here’s your receipt sir, have a nice evening….ok bye, bye now” she responds.
Then there are the ones that hang around well after store hours, taking their sweet time. They don’t care, they’re the costumer right? If you have ever had the pleasure of working at any of the above mentioned type jobs then you know what I am talking about. They walk around all smug, ignoring every attempt you make to hurry them out of the store. Flickering lights has no effect on these people, their like cats and can continue even under the low light emitting from the emergency exit signs. You cut them off at an isle, "Anything I can help you find sir”
“No I’m fine thank you”
“Ok well ah….you do know the store closed 15 minutes ago.”
“Yes but I’m not done shopping” Really, well maybe I should order some road construction outside your house at 3 in the morning jackass.
Now for the most part these people must go somewhere once they do finally leave those stores. Like zombies I think they walk around looking for one another and then all disappear into the night…….or so I thought was the case. WRONG!!!!!!!!
Seems as if they all congregate to some unsuspecting place that happens to be open!
“……hmmmmmm………5 minutes to 8:00pm, and still 10 students in here, what gives, ah crap, the zombies have invaded.”
A few things I have noticed about the zombies. First off, unlike the movies, they seem to be rather intelligent when formed in groups.
Our first group tend to sit around chatting with each other as if to be planning their next move once they leave the school. I call these the coordinating zombies. There doesn’t seem to be, at this time anyway, a one lead zombie, so killing any one of them in this case is going to have no apparent effect on the collective of other zombies.
Our second group is the communicator zombies, these are the ones that duck out about every 15 minutes or so to make a cell phone call (zombies using cell phone? Damn this ever evolving technological world). From what I can gather, these conversations consist of rounding up more zombies to converge onto my location. Depending on what kind of night it is, I have seen reinforcements show up as late as 10 minutes to closing.
Third we have our evil zombies. Thank god for the other zombies keeping them inline, because if these shit for brains had the chance they would suck the life out of you at the first chance they got. These zombies usually keep to themselves like sleeping dogs until about 30 minutes before closing. At about 7:30 they awaken as if some internal clock has just set off inside their body. (I am still trying to figure out if the other zombies are some how communicating with them with some other form then voice communications. I know what you're saying…”Zombies using telepathy?” Rule number one, never under estimate the power of stupid people in large numbers.) Once awake, they move into position, this is usually guarding doors, light switches, unattended machines, and any other means I could use to single closing time.
Once all exits and light switches are guarded the zombies go into what I call “LPA” mode, or “Learning Performance Artist” mode. In this mode, all conversations stop, faces bury into books, and fingers dance across keyboards and mouse clicks making it look as if they are really busy and intent on what they are working on. It’s really a show to watch, if you’re not careful you can fall into a trance at just how busy they make themselves look, before you know it, your brains have been sucked out and your one of them. See most people will not close down if the zombies look really busy. After all, the costumer comes first!
Any feeble attempt by me flickering any un-guarded light switches or shutting down machines is quickly met by an evil guard zombie who will immediately sit down at the machine I just shut off and turn it on. He doesn’t need to look busy the slow boot up of our ancient machines is enough to suffice.
When asked “Why don’t you go and use one of the machines already booted up?”
His/her response is usually something to the effect “ugg, this machine mine” followed by several incomprehensible grunts and moans.
Some of the more simple minded ones can be easily lured out with shinny objects to an awaiting open elevator met by my foot kicking them in the ass to help them along. But others are much more resilient. Today’s success with any of them will be tomorrow’s failure as they continue to adapt to my methods.
For now there is nothing I can do but sit back and wait until they get bored with me and move onto their next victim.
And Boom Goes The Dynamite.
posted by Mr. Cheese @ 9:09 AM
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