Assume nothing Part I
Originally posted Saturday, August 06, 2005
I have two orientations today, and since I have only done this a limited number of times each one bringing about its own little twists and turns this should make for an interesting day. My first unsuspecting victim/student rolls in around 11:00am, and once the admissions person is through with them they are handed off to me.
“Muhaha!!!”
“And this is your teacher, he’s going to walk you through your course and explain everything else.” The admissions person says as he heads out the door of the small meeting room.
The room rectangular in shape measures about 5 by 7 foot with a small dark window at the far end, a desk in the middle of the room and a chair on each side of the desk. Last I checked, this seems awfully close to the dimensions and attributes of your average interrogation room…….or so I think last time I watched Cops………ok fine, so I’ve seen my fair share of police brutality, I mean interrogation rooms.
Anyway, above us is a florescent light flickering on and off with the sounds of a crackling electrical outlet as it tries desperately to stay lit causing our shadows to dance across the walls with each flash. I slide my chair closer to the desk, grabbing some nearby papers I begin to shuffle them in an obscure matter while squinting one eye across the table at the victim/student. He sits there quiet, hands folded in front of him, his face looking that of a wounded zebra moments before the lion attacks.
With a loud “ehhhh……hemmmm” I clear my throat, grabing the attention of the studentas he arches his back and sits at attention.
“So” I say “you’re here to take the MOS training course”
“Yes….yes I am….” He replies “my ah, job is requiring me to become a certified expert in MOS”
“Really?” I shoot a puzzled look across the table. Confused as to why any business would want someone to become an expert certified Microsoft office products person is beyond me. I shrug my shoulders “well ok if that’s what they want”.
Now comes the boring part. I begin to go over all of our policies and procedures with the student as they try not to fall asleep. Once this is complete I have them read a few things over to make sure they understand everything, then lots of signing of meaningless paperwork which I have added a few pages of my own way in the back with very small print as so no one can make out what it says. Its been so long since I wrote them I forgot what they even say, something about, “I will not ask my teacher questions” and “I hereby give my teacher full ownership of my sole upon my death” you know, stuff like that. It assures that there is a full understanding between the teacher and the student.
“So while you look all this over I am going to go print out your course guide and get your books” I say pushing the paperwork across the table at him before standing up and heading out the door locking it behind me watching as he signs his life away. Memories of similiar dark obscure room come to mind as I remember a man pushing paperwork at me before walking out of a similar room.
“Now sign this confession and we’ll go easy on ya!!”
I shake my head ending the Scooby Doo like trance “Ah good times….good times” I say to myself as I trot back to my desk and begin scrolling through endless courses on my computer screen. “hmmm…..that’s odd” I say while rubbing my hand under my chin. “I can’t seem to find any information on the course this student has signed up for.”
Several more minutes go by and I still can’t find anything. I glance over my shoulder at the two way mirror that sits between myself and the student in the next room (when did they install that? I need to stay awake more during the week) to notice he is quickly getting bored, and starting to fiddle with his restraints…..errrrr school swag wrist bands. I send out a quick instant message to one of our sister schools asking if they know anything about the MOS expert course.
Tap….tap….tap…. “Why can’t I find the course material for the expert MOS course?”
My computer beeps as a message is sent back to me from another teacher, “Because we don’t offer that course, we only offer the core part of the course, they have to go somewhere else to get the expert course.”
TAP…..TAP……TAP……”GREAT, I have a student who was just admitted for the expert course”
Beep…..beep….. “That’s funny, looks like you have an issue with your admissions personnel.”
TAP….TAP….TAP….. “Funny? There is nothing funny about it”
Beep….beep…. “LOL, Yeah it happens all the time I’m just glad it happened to you instead of me this time”
-Note to self- record incoming ip address from Instant message program for later use on spam server. (Now that’s funny)
I head back to the room opening the door just enough to peak my head in, “It will be just a few more minutes” I say with a huge cheesy smile on my face.
I lock the door behind me once again, wouldn’t want a costumer to escape before paying, and head down the hall to the admissions office looking for some answers. With my teeth clenched tightly together I ask, “Would one of you like to explain to me what course you signed the new student up for?”
“Yeah…..” a voice pipes up from the corner of the room. “I signed him up for the expert MOS course”
“Yeah, and did you bother to check to see if we even offer that course?” I ask finger nails now digging into the palm of my hands as I begin to make angry fists.
The admissions person seeing my degree of anger grabs his shirt collar and begins to loosen it up “well, ah….we offer the core so I assumed…….”.
“YOU ASSUMED WRONG!!!!” I interrupt “we ONLY offer the core, and have never offered the expert course.”
“huh….that’s interesting” he says now whipping the sweat that is running down his forehead. The director pops up behind me from out of no where. (How does he keep doing that?)
“What’s going on out here?” He says, arms perched on both sides of his hips.
I begin to go into a long-winded explanation about the situation while he nods and scratches his head trying to keep up with everything I am saying.
“……so now I have a student sitting in the conference room awaiting my return with his materials and the expert course guide which we don’t have” I say inhaling deeply trying to catch my breathe.
The director stands there for a moment in his serious pose before saying “Well then, do some research and find out what books we need for that course, then go about ordering them so we can keep him as a student. Until then give him the core books and tell him he will need to take those courses before he can take the expert course, this will buy the time needed to get the other books, plus he will be purchasing another course from us which means more money in our pocket.” And with that he turns and heads back to his office.
So now, not only do I have to lie to the student on behalf of my admissions specialist team but I also have to fix their problem by getting the material we don’t have for a course we never offered. I turn around to face the admissions person as he is trying to quietly escape out the door before I can notice.
With a sharp jab from my elbow to his ribs I make my way past him through the door, ignoring his pathetic attempt to apologize and assure me it won’t happen again.
All I can do is hope that the next orientation will go better.
To be continued…
I have two orientations today, and since I have only done this a limited number of times each one bringing about its own little twists and turns this should make for an interesting day. My first unsuspecting victim/student rolls in around 11:00am, and once the admissions person is through with them they are handed off to me.
“Muhaha!!!”
“And this is your teacher, he’s going to walk you through your course and explain everything else.” The admissions person says as he heads out the door of the small meeting room.
The room rectangular in shape measures about 5 by 7 foot with a small dark window at the far end, a desk in the middle of the room and a chair on each side of the desk. Last I checked, this seems awfully close to the dimensions and attributes of your average interrogation room…….or so I think last time I watched Cops………ok fine, so I’ve seen my fair share of police brutality, I mean interrogation rooms.
Anyway, above us is a florescent light flickering on and off with the sounds of a crackling electrical outlet as it tries desperately to stay lit causing our shadows to dance across the walls with each flash. I slide my chair closer to the desk, grabbing some nearby papers I begin to shuffle them in an obscure matter while squinting one eye across the table at the victim/student. He sits there quiet, hands folded in front of him, his face looking that of a wounded zebra moments before the lion attacks.
With a loud “ehhhh……hemmmm” I clear my throat, grabing the attention of the studentas he arches his back and sits at attention.
“So” I say “you’re here to take the MOS training course”
“Yes….yes I am….” He replies “my ah, job is requiring me to become a certified expert in MOS”
“Really?” I shoot a puzzled look across the table. Confused as to why any business would want someone to become an expert certified Microsoft office products person is beyond me. I shrug my shoulders “well ok if that’s what they want”.
Now comes the boring part. I begin to go over all of our policies and procedures with the student as they try not to fall asleep. Once this is complete I have them read a few things over to make sure they understand everything, then lots of signing of meaningless paperwork which I have added a few pages of my own way in the back with very small print as so no one can make out what it says. Its been so long since I wrote them I forgot what they even say, something about, “I will not ask my teacher questions” and “I hereby give my teacher full ownership of my sole upon my death” you know, stuff like that. It assures that there is a full understanding between the teacher and the student.
“So while you look all this over I am going to go print out your course guide and get your books” I say pushing the paperwork across the table at him before standing up and heading out the door locking it behind me watching as he signs his life away. Memories of similiar dark obscure room come to mind as I remember a man pushing paperwork at me before walking out of a similar room.
“Now sign this confession and we’ll go easy on ya!!”
I shake my head ending the Scooby Doo like trance “Ah good times….good times” I say to myself as I trot back to my desk and begin scrolling through endless courses on my computer screen. “hmmm…..that’s odd” I say while rubbing my hand under my chin. “I can’t seem to find any information on the course this student has signed up for.”
Several more minutes go by and I still can’t find anything. I glance over my shoulder at the two way mirror that sits between myself and the student in the next room (when did they install that? I need to stay awake more during the week) to notice he is quickly getting bored, and starting to fiddle with his restraints…..errrrr school swag wrist bands. I send out a quick instant message to one of our sister schools asking if they know anything about the MOS expert course.
Tap….tap….tap…. “Why can’t I find the course material for the expert MOS course?”
My computer beeps as a message is sent back to me from another teacher, “Because we don’t offer that course, we only offer the core part of the course, they have to go somewhere else to get the expert course.”
TAP…..TAP……TAP……”GREAT, I have a student who was just admitted for the expert course”
Beep…..beep….. “That’s funny, looks like you have an issue with your admissions personnel.”
TAP….TAP….TAP….. “Funny? There is nothing funny about it”
Beep….beep…. “LOL, Yeah it happens all the time I’m just glad it happened to you instead of me this time”
-Note to self- record incoming ip address from Instant message program for later use on spam server. (Now that’s funny)
I head back to the room opening the door just enough to peak my head in, “It will be just a few more minutes” I say with a huge cheesy smile on my face.
I lock the door behind me once again, wouldn’t want a costumer to escape before paying, and head down the hall to the admissions office looking for some answers. With my teeth clenched tightly together I ask, “Would one of you like to explain to me what course you signed the new student up for?”
“Yeah…..” a voice pipes up from the corner of the room. “I signed him up for the expert MOS course”
“Yeah, and did you bother to check to see if we even offer that course?” I ask finger nails now digging into the palm of my hands as I begin to make angry fists.
The admissions person seeing my degree of anger grabs his shirt collar and begins to loosen it up “well, ah….we offer the core so I assumed…….”.
“YOU ASSUMED WRONG!!!!” I interrupt “we ONLY offer the core, and have never offered the expert course.”
“huh….that’s interesting” he says now whipping the sweat that is running down his forehead. The director pops up behind me from out of no where. (How does he keep doing that?)
“What’s going on out here?” He says, arms perched on both sides of his hips.
I begin to go into a long-winded explanation about the situation while he nods and scratches his head trying to keep up with everything I am saying.
“……so now I have a student sitting in the conference room awaiting my return with his materials and the expert course guide which we don’t have” I say inhaling deeply trying to catch my breathe.
The director stands there for a moment in his serious pose before saying “Well then, do some research and find out what books we need for that course, then go about ordering them so we can keep him as a student. Until then give him the core books and tell him he will need to take those courses before he can take the expert course, this will buy the time needed to get the other books, plus he will be purchasing another course from us which means more money in our pocket.” And with that he turns and heads back to his office.
So now, not only do I have to lie to the student on behalf of my admissions specialist team but I also have to fix their problem by getting the material we don’t have for a course we never offered. I turn around to face the admissions person as he is trying to quietly escape out the door before I can notice.
With a sharp jab from my elbow to his ribs I make my way past him through the door, ignoring his pathetic attempt to apologize and assure me it won’t happen again.
All I can do is hope that the next orientation will go better.
To be continued…
posted by Mr. Cheese @ 10:10 PM
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