Bitches
Originally Posted Friday, August 26, 2005
-BEEP- * Silence *
I always know when the director of the school is trying to get a hold of me on the intercom system, he never says a word just expects me to respond to the sound of heavy breathing coming from my speakers.
“So then I told him that the directors receding hairline looks like the top of a wet corn cob…..”
“Excuse me…….”
“Oh…..yes,” I say sounding as if I had no idea he was there.
“If you have a minute I need to speak to you.”
After getting a cup of coffee, checking out the new offices on the ninth floor, taking a nap in the janitor closet, I figured it was time to go see what the hell he wants.
I get up and head down the hall, peering into his office I decide I will walk past into the storage room to hear if I can pick up on what this conversation might be about. Placing my ear up to the wall I begin to listen intently.
“yes……yes…..I’m calling for the test results……..yes……..so all STD tests came back negative”
“Whoa”, I jump back from the wall and stick out my tongue as if I had just taken a bite from a sour apple. “Way too much information” I say to myself. Its obvious I’m not going to get any Intel from this approach, my best bet is going into his office to find out what the hell he wants.
Considering he is the director of the school you would expect him to have a rather large corner office. This however is not the case. His room measures about three feet by five feet with a desk that barely fits from wall to wall, causing anyone who sits behind it to pull a Dukes Of Hazard maneuver over the top of the desk in order to get out. On the wall are a couple of those inspirational posters that just make you want to puke. You know the ones “P.A.S.S.I.O.N, There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few will catch your heart…pursue those.” Who the hell came up with something like that, Elton John on crack?
Behind him stands a book shelf filled with books of computer programming, office management, learn to speak a foreign language in 21 days, etc, etc. Most of the books being from the library of the “Complete Idiots Guide To…..” series and “The Dummies Guide…..”. He sits at his desk facing me, his hands folded in front of him on the desk, and his back straight up and down at attention, not to show me respect mind you, but rather he doesn’t have enough room to sit back without falling out of the window. Sitting on the desk looking down at me is my favorite administrations person. My day just got ugly.
I frown at him.
He sticks his tongue out at me.
I slap him as hard as I can across the face.
He cries like a baby.
We go back and forth like this for about ten minutes before the director interrupts my anger management session.
“Now stop that you two. As much as I like to see a good fight as the next guy, we have some business to attend to.” With one final loud SLAP across the admissions persons face, I sit down in the chair opposite the director, my knees folded up tight against my chest, as there is no room for them in front of me.
“Good, now that I see we are all comfortable we can continue.”
The admissions person rubbing the side of his face and still slightly whimpering looks over at me and begins to explain that he has just admitted a student who will be coming in for orientation next Monday.
“Fine” I say
“Yes but what you don’t understand is that we signed him up for Java. You do know Java right?” He asks me, now holding his hand in front of his face and cowering like a beaten dog.
“I know how to use it jackass, I don’t know how to program in it you dumb fuck” I stand up and bring my hand back as if to strike him again when the director says.
“Now calm down everyone, this isn’t a problem. How is the Oracle coming along” he asks me. Can’t I just go one week without this damn question. I gotta get to downloading those answer sheets off of warez.
“Slow” I say “My students are farther in the course then I am and trying to bounce back and forth from where they are to help them and where I am in the first part is a pain in the ass and slowing things down”
“Great, keep up the good work”
“huh…..”
“As for the Java, grab the books in back and start thumbing through them so you have a better understanding when the student arrives.”
“So my understanding is, we don’t have anyone here who is certified or knows Java programming?
“uh huh” they both nod in unison.
“And you both new this already right?”
Again they both nod “uh huh”
“And yet you still sign up a student to take the course and expect me to teach them something I don’t know.”
“That’s right” the director says “we figured since you are doing so well teaching the Oracle course that you can handle this one no problem”
“Handling it well” I explain “its called acting, and I think the students are catching on.”
“Well you should have no problem with just one student” he says
“Yeah whatever” I say in disgust I begin to stand up from my chair to leave the office when…
“Ah……well, that’s not entirely the case” the admissions person says hanging his head down low while rubbing the back of his neck.
“Who the hell said you could speak monkey boy” I demand, slapping him once again across his face.
“Well, see he has a few co-workers who also need to take the course and I already scheduled them through out the week to have you orientate them”
“WHAT???” I scream “are you insane, I can’t be bouncing between two fucking courses I know nothing about trying to teach people how to do it well enough to pass a vendor exam you moron”
The director seeing my obvious anger and the fact that my slaps have now turned into whaling fists of fury stands up and says “Now calm down, I’m sure…….” He slides over his desk to our side and grabs the back of my shoulders trying to pull me off of the admissions person who is now crouched into the fetal position in the corner of the room. “we can call one of the old teachers I know really well who is an ace at Java”
“Yeah” I say wiping the sweat running down my forehead “well you better start calling him now”
“Just out of curiosity” I ask looking down at the admissions person “how many students did you sign up next week for this orientation?”
“fff…..iiii….vvv…eee…one…….for…..each……day” he says with a quivering lip.
“Oh that’s just great, you do know that I am here alone next week as the other teacher is going on vacation RIGHT?” I scream into his ear.
At this point he just sits there continuing to whimper like a baby, the director pushing on my back ushers me out the door so he can calm the admissions person down. I bring my shoulder forward releasing his grasp and swing around making a fist like action at the admissions person and stomping my foot on the floor causing him to flinch and wince in fear.
“BITCH” I say as I walk out the door.
Pork Chop Sandwiches!
-BEEP- * Silence *
I always know when the director of the school is trying to get a hold of me on the intercom system, he never says a word just expects me to respond to the sound of heavy breathing coming from my speakers.
“So then I told him that the directors receding hairline looks like the top of a wet corn cob…..”
“Excuse me…….”
“Oh…..yes,” I say sounding as if I had no idea he was there.
“If you have a minute I need to speak to you.”
After getting a cup of coffee, checking out the new offices on the ninth floor, taking a nap in the janitor closet, I figured it was time to go see what the hell he wants.
I get up and head down the hall, peering into his office I decide I will walk past into the storage room to hear if I can pick up on what this conversation might be about. Placing my ear up to the wall I begin to listen intently.
“yes……yes…..I’m calling for the test results……..yes……..so all STD tests came back negative”
“Whoa”, I jump back from the wall and stick out my tongue as if I had just taken a bite from a sour apple. “Way too much information” I say to myself. Its obvious I’m not going to get any Intel from this approach, my best bet is going into his office to find out what the hell he wants.
Considering he is the director of the school you would expect him to have a rather large corner office. This however is not the case. His room measures about three feet by five feet with a desk that barely fits from wall to wall, causing anyone who sits behind it to pull a Dukes Of Hazard maneuver over the top of the desk in order to get out. On the wall are a couple of those inspirational posters that just make you want to puke. You know the ones “P.A.S.S.I.O.N, There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few will catch your heart…pursue those.” Who the hell came up with something like that, Elton John on crack?
Behind him stands a book shelf filled with books of computer programming, office management, learn to speak a foreign language in 21 days, etc, etc. Most of the books being from the library of the “Complete Idiots Guide To…..” series and “The Dummies Guide…..”. He sits at his desk facing me, his hands folded in front of him on the desk, and his back straight up and down at attention, not to show me respect mind you, but rather he doesn’t have enough room to sit back without falling out of the window. Sitting on the desk looking down at me is my favorite administrations person. My day just got ugly.
I frown at him.
He sticks his tongue out at me.
I slap him as hard as I can across the face.
He cries like a baby.
We go back and forth like this for about ten minutes before the director interrupts my anger management session.
“Now stop that you two. As much as I like to see a good fight as the next guy, we have some business to attend to.” With one final loud SLAP across the admissions persons face, I sit down in the chair opposite the director, my knees folded up tight against my chest, as there is no room for them in front of me.
“Good, now that I see we are all comfortable we can continue.”
The admissions person rubbing the side of his face and still slightly whimpering looks over at me and begins to explain that he has just admitted a student who will be coming in for orientation next Monday.
“Fine” I say
“Yes but what you don’t understand is that we signed him up for Java. You do know Java right?” He asks me, now holding his hand in front of his face and cowering like a beaten dog.
“I know how to use it jackass, I don’t know how to program in it you dumb fuck” I stand up and bring my hand back as if to strike him again when the director says.
“Now calm down everyone, this isn’t a problem. How is the Oracle coming along” he asks me. Can’t I just go one week without this damn question. I gotta get to downloading those answer sheets off of warez.
“Slow” I say “My students are farther in the course then I am and trying to bounce back and forth from where they are to help them and where I am in the first part is a pain in the ass and slowing things down”
“Great, keep up the good work”
“huh…..”
“As for the Java, grab the books in back and start thumbing through them so you have a better understanding when the student arrives.”
“So my understanding is, we don’t have anyone here who is certified or knows Java programming?
“uh huh” they both nod in unison.
“And you both new this already right?”
Again they both nod “uh huh”
“And yet you still sign up a student to take the course and expect me to teach them something I don’t know.”
“That’s right” the director says “we figured since you are doing so well teaching the Oracle course that you can handle this one no problem”
“Handling it well” I explain “its called acting, and I think the students are catching on.”
“Well you should have no problem with just one student” he says
“Yeah whatever” I say in disgust I begin to stand up from my chair to leave the office when…
“Ah……well, that’s not entirely the case” the admissions person says hanging his head down low while rubbing the back of his neck.
“Who the hell said you could speak monkey boy” I demand, slapping him once again across his face.
“Well, see he has a few co-workers who also need to take the course and I already scheduled them through out the week to have you orientate them”
“WHAT???” I scream “are you insane, I can’t be bouncing between two fucking courses I know nothing about trying to teach people how to do it well enough to pass a vendor exam you moron”
The director seeing my obvious anger and the fact that my slaps have now turned into whaling fists of fury stands up and says “Now calm down, I’m sure…….” He slides over his desk to our side and grabs the back of my shoulders trying to pull me off of the admissions person who is now crouched into the fetal position in the corner of the room. “we can call one of the old teachers I know really well who is an ace at Java”
“Yeah” I say wiping the sweat running down my forehead “well you better start calling him now”
“Just out of curiosity” I ask looking down at the admissions person “how many students did you sign up next week for this orientation?”
“fff…..iiii….vvv…eee…one…….for…..each……day” he says with a quivering lip.
“Oh that’s just great, you do know that I am here alone next week as the other teacher is going on vacation RIGHT?” I scream into his ear.
At this point he just sits there continuing to whimper like a baby, the director pushing on my back ushers me out the door so he can calm the admissions person down. I bring my shoulder forward releasing his grasp and swing around making a fist like action at the admissions person and stomping my foot on the floor causing him to flinch and wince in fear.
“BITCH” I say as I walk out the door.
Pork Chop Sandwiches!
posted by Mr. Cheese @ 1:21 PM
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