A Christmas to Remember

This was several years ago but it hangs in my memory as if it was only yesterday and to this day, still resides in my mind as one of the most memorable Christmas’s ever.
I thought it fitting with our economic times to tell this story this year as a reminder, that some of the best Christmas’s don’t revolve around a bunch of gifts, but more around a bunch of memories, and that there are still good people out there when you least expect them.
And thus our story begins………

It was the Christmas of 2003
I was working as an “Underground damage prevention specialist” at the time, or for the non politically correct folk out there, a damn utility locator. You know the ones; they come and spray the lines in your yard whenever you need to dig a hole, indicating where utilities are. It was a very easy job with minimal overhead so I enjoyed it a lot. Plenty of fresh air, and my own hours, for the most part. There was one drawback though. Living in the upper north west, people tend to stop digging around October. This meant that every winter there was a lay off period where you only were called in when there was enough work or an emergency from a pipe burst or something.
So we went on unemployment and we had to make some sacrifices like working odd cash jobs to try and make ends meet in order to come up with at least a few gifts for Christmas.
This Christmas in particular was a unique one to say the least. My wife and I of the time were about to get a divorce and living in separate houses. She was living in an apartment, while I lived in the house we bought awaiting someone to knock on my door to tell me to get the fuck out because we had defaulted on the house. We’ll save that one for another day. Let’s get to the real story here.
This year was special. It was my daughters first year of school, real school that is. She was in first grade. No more half days, her own spot to hang her coat up. The only thing missing was riding the bus to school. But then again, we lived across the street from the school so unless there was a field trip there was nothing I could do. When Christmas came closer she would tell us about all the wonderful things her class was planning to do, and she was so excited.

But unfortunately, she became very sick the last week before Christmas break. She had gotten the flu, and it was bad. When her mother and I told her she wouldn’t be able to go to school that last week and enjoy all the wonderful things she had been telling us, it broke her heart. She cried, and cried. And any father out there knows, when your sweet little girl looks up at you with those beautiful eyes and cries, there is nothing more that will tear your heart to shreds. It was then I decided that I would do anything I could possible to make this Christmas as special as I could for her, even if I couldn’t afford much for gifts.

The next day, I called the school and left a message for her teacher. Moments later she called me back with her cheerful usual self. I explained to her how my daughter was sick and how disappointed and sad she was that she couldn’t be there to enjoy the festive things, all the other children would be enjoying this time of year. I explained to her an idea I had. I told her I had a video camera and wanted to come to her class the last day before the Christmas break to video tape all the fun things they had planned and share it with my daughter so she wouldn’t feel left out. She agreed and said that would be wonderful, and told me to arrive at the school, camera in hand around 8:00am.
I was excited, I didn’t tell anyone what my plans were, but inside I was living through her, excited, nervous, and cheerful. Like a small child the day before Christmas, I couldn’t contain my excitement. Soon enough the day arrived and I sprang out of bed giddy as ever. I got the oldest up and ready for school and got my youngest as ready as she could be to go to Grandmas for the day. I used the excuse that I had to work that day even though I had nothing on my plate, and knew that her Grandmother would keep a close eye on her while she was sick.
I packed up all my gear, my camera, my tripod, and my still camera and headed over to the school. Upon walking into the class room, I realized I was not prepared for what the teacher had done.
On the giant white erase board was a huge message to my daughter. “Merry Christmas, and get well soon.”
This was almost enough to break me down into tears, but I kept it together and setup my equipment.
The teacher came up to me and greeted herself and introduced me to the class. She then proceeded to tell me that the things they originally had planned for today had changed to accommodate my daughter’s condition. I fiddled with my equipment during this whole time, and got everything up and running, making sure with a few tests that all equipment was in order. I was still so excited, and seeing the message on the board only made everything seem so much more worthwhile. Her teacher returned to me once more, now having all the children gathered in a nice unique circle, to ask me if I was ready. With one last check, I gave her thumbs up and a grin ear to ear and acknowledged an affirmative yes.
She then turned to the rest of her students, all of them sitting so preciously, in their Sunday best for the last day before Christmas break, and announced,
“OK kids; let’s show his daughter what we did.”
With my camera pointed at them, a single student stood up and presented me with a very large piece of construction paper, folded in the form of a card. On it, it read, “Get well soon” with my daughter’s name, and on the inside, every student had signed it and left a special little message for my daughter.
They may have been very little people, with very big hearts, but at that moment all I wanted to do was hug each and every one of them with my daughter’s arms.
I had no idea when I thought of this that it would turn out to be so emotional and special for me. I kind of felt bad, I was doing this for my sick daughter, and here I was enjoying possibly the most memorable and best Christmas I have ever had.
She then told the children to present me with the gifts they had made for my daughter. One by one they all walked up with cards made from construction paper. I held the camera steady on each child as they came up and gave me their special card or picture with a special message written on each, along with them telling my daughter to get well and merry Christmas into the camera.
When all of them were done, I began to pack up my equipment, eyes full of tears. It was the most precious thing anyone could witness on such a sad Christmas week. It was at this point the teacher walked up to me and asked me to wait.
“Please, I have one more thing that I would like to give to your daughter that we had planned that I am sure she would love.”
“OK” I responded
Not knowing what she was about to do, I focused the camera on the circle of children now gathering around the center of the class room. In the center was a single chair. The teacher grabbed a book, and proceeded to enter the circle of precious children and sit on the chair. She then looked at the camera and said, “Now, we will read, the night before Christmas”.
This is probably a book and story she has read countless times to countless children before this class, and many of times I myself had heard. But no matter how many times I have heard it before, it never has meant so much to me as it did that day, nor have I really understood the real meaning of it until I heard her read it that day, and watch all those children’s faces focus on her every move, breathless, and motionless, they sat there listening. I soon realized I was doing the same, and I had to take a step back and ask myself just what Christmas was all about. This story I have heard so many times before, and meant nothing more than another Christmas story now meant so much more to me. It wasn’t about gifts that get tossed aside and collect dust and forgotten about. The true Christmas spirit is giving and the memories you take from them and the memories the people you give it to hold and cherish forever.

I filmed and watched as she told the story, intent and vigilant on ever word she spoke. When it was all done, I wiped my face of any tears and packed up my gear, making sure to thank every child in the classroom for making that day so special. I don’t know if any of them will remember that day, and if I could I would share my video with them to show them, but it doesn’t matter, from that day on, Christmas meant more to me than any gift you could receive.
This brought me to the next stage of my plan.
I promised my daughter one more thing that special Christmas, and that was to see Santa. The nearest mall that would house a worthy Santa was just over an hour away. I checked my watch and it was 9:30am. To get to my destination on time would take over an hour. I had nothing else planned so I gathered up my gear, jumped into my truck and headed for the mall.
I arrived around 10:30am and the line was, well, to say the least, long. I was probably 250th in a line of over 300, standing, waiting to see Santa. The only difference was I was the only one in line alone with a video camera. But it didn’t matter, I was on a mission. I needed to get a message from Santa to my sick daughter on tape so she doesn’t feel I forgot about the promise I made her. And I know any father out there would feel the same.
So there I stood, waiting, inching forward with every passing minute. Finally I was within the “rope” line, which put me about 50 people in touch of Santa. And then it came.
“Sorry Folks, but Santa has to go get a bite to eat for lunch”
It was now 12:30, and I watched after the announcement as parents and kids started to leave the line. There was one problem, anyone within the velvet rope line, made no move. They didn’t flinch, they didn’t walk. Nope, they stayed in their position holding it strong like a warrior at the battle of the gates, knowing if they left, they would not only lose their place in line but also disappoint whatever little hand was attached to their side.
I stood there watching everyone still in line, and it was funny. The parents who held their values about Christmas really stood their ground, in order to give their kids that same experience they had when they were a child. Again, I was reminded of so many different things of the “Christmas Spirit”. In front of me was a young couple very well dressed. It was a father, mother, and two young boys around the age of 6 and 10.
My arm still dangling with my camcorder in hand, my brow sweating from over dressing and now standing in a line of 50 other people in a warm mall, I stood there with the rest of the parents awaiting Santa’s arrival from lunch.
The couple in front of me whispered back and forth, occasionally glancing a stare my way.
After waiting in line for an hour, (Santa was not to return until 1:30pm) my legs tired, and my stomach starting to feel the ramifications of not eating all day, the father in front of me turned to face me.
“Excuse me, and forgive me for being blunt, but we couldn’t help but notice you are the only one in line without a child and the only one holding a video camera……….that’s kind of creepy.”
I laughed and chuckled understanding their point of view, and proceeded to tell them my situation.
“You see, my daughter is sick, and I promised to take her to see Santa this year, and since I couldn’t, I figured I would just record a very special message from Santa to her this year and hopefully it would cheer her up.”
“Oh, well that makes so much sense” he responded.
It was at that time he told me that he was a Doctor, while his wife was a nurse. He and his wife drilled me with questions, which I thought was sweet, that someone would care so much.
“What’s her temp” he asked, followed by…
“How old is she?”….. she asked
“Is she on any medication?” he asked….
I continued to answer their questions and thanked them for their concern, because seriously, I was worried. Flu, or not, what she had was serious and it wasn’t going away, nor was it behaving like a normal flu.
They assured me that the symptoms I described and her condition, that they have been seeing it a lot lately, and to just monitor her temp and keep a close eye on her, and she will be fine.
I said thank you, to them, and once again we were back to where we were before our conversation, standing in line, awaiting the arrival of Santa from lunch.
It was at this time that the young couple in front of me’s father said to his wife…
“Well, I think I should take the boys shopping for you, they are getting a little antsy.”
“OK, but be sure to be back in time for Santa.” She explained, and with a quick nod, he and the boys were off walking down the mall enjoying the many sceneries of the Christmas Holiday.
I stood there for another 20 minutes awaiting the announcement of Santa, but it never came. Checking my watch I wondered if it ever would.
The young couple in front of me returned to her wife. They spoke softly, which was fine, it was none of my business.
After a few moments, the two little boys turned to me with arms wide open and gifts in each of their arms wrapped up preciously. I had a puzzled look upon my face and looked up to face the father.
“What is this?” I asked
“Well….” He explained
“No one should go through Christmas like your daughter is, or without gifts and thinking that Santa doesn’t exist. So from our family to yours, we would really appreciate it if you took these few gifts that we wrapped and give them to her, and tell her that Santa gave them to her”
I’m not going to lie; at this point I broke down and started to weep. Looking down at those two little boys holding up these gifts that I had no idea what they were, and their parents looking over me with a smile, wanting nothing more than the pleasure of my daughter to enjoy Christmas, it really tore at my heart.
They turned away, and went about their business of waiting for Santa, who had now recently arrived from his lunch break. Slowly the line moved forward, one by one each person getting their chance to talk to Santa.
Finally, my chance arrived and there I stood. Right in front of the bearded white man with all the control of all the good little boys’ and girls of the world in his hands. I know he’s not real, and yet for some reason I still felt intimidated.
“Hi Santa…” I announced
“Well helol there young man……”
I told him about my daughter and why I was there alone. He nodded with a jolly smile on his face and said…
“It would be my pleasure; you just point that camera at me and let me do the rest….”
To my surprise I was nervous and was fumbling the camcorder almost not getting it turned on in time before he began to speak.
But eventually I had it working, and Santa delivered the perfect message.
“Hello there little girl, I understand you are sick. Well Santa is wishing you to get better so you can enjoy this Christmas like you should and I and my elves are wishing you a very Merry Christmas.”
WOW
That was awesome and I got it all on tape is all I could think of.
I walked away from that mall with a huge smile on my face, and yet I felt a little sad. Here I walked, camcorder in hand, with gifts from a stranger to my sick daughter who they don’t know and never met, and I had nothing to give back to all these other children in line that probably deserved so much more. All I could do was hope that the gift I was creating for my daughter would give back in some way what so many different people had given to me that day.
I walked out to my truck and returned home with one thing on my mind. To edit this video and make it perfect for my daughter.
Upon my return to home I hooked up the camcorder to my computer and proceeded to go through every second of it. Watching the entire day’s events, and reliving the memories once again brought tears to my eyes and made me realize how special this was going to be. In the end I made sure to deliver my daughter a special message from myself explaining that she was so sick this Christmas and she probably wouldn’t remember much, and I hoped that by having this video, she could watch it over and over again as a reminder of just how special that Christmas was.
I could hardly contain my excitement, but had to remind myself I still had a very sick child on my hands, and my first priority was to make sure she was ok.
I made the tape (yes I had a tape recording camcorder) and wrapped it up, placed it under the tree with the rest of the few gifts I worked to purchase and waited for Christmas day to arrive.
The day came, and before I knew it my house was filled with family members.
I watched and snapped pictures as everyone opened their gifts. When it came to my daughter, snuggled up in the love seat, with a blanket draped upon her body, and her eyes closed because she didn’t have enough strength to stay awake and open her gifts, we helped her along and took pictures.
No one new at this time of the video, and I waited until all gifts were open to bring it out and lay it on my daughters lap. Again I felt a bit guilty, here were all these people giving out hard earned gifts and all I had was this simple VHS tape.
“Sweetie, here, this is a special gift from Daddy to you. I hope you like it.”
She raised her head as far as she could, opened her eyes and tore open the wrapping paper. She had a blank stare on her face not knowing exactly what she had just opened. I told her it was a video I created for her, to show her she was not forgotten this Christmas. With that, I gently took it from her hands and walked over to the TV to play the video.
Intently everyone gathered around the TV as I pushed the tape into the player.
With a push of a few buttons, the VCR whirled and whizzed to life with the familiar sounds of an old dying technology.
From that point until the end, not a single person spoke a word or moved an inch. I wasn’t expecting this; all I wanted was to show my daughter that she was still important and could still be there.
She couldn’t stay awake for the video and I don’t blame her. She was so sick, and I felt so bad for her. When it was all said and done I’m not sure a single person even breathed through the short 25 minute film I created, but I will tell you, there wasn’t a dry eye in the entire room.
Again, I wasn’t expecting that, nor was I trying to make everyone feel like “Oh My GoD”, but that’s the way it turned out.
All I wanted was for my daughter to have a memorable Christmas.
I separated from her mother shortly after. I don’t know if she has seen the video since, but I hope in my heart that she has and looks at it every Christmas and thinks a little different about what Christmas means.

I never got the names of the people who generously gave those gifts to my sick daughter that year, nor did I ask. They wanted to remain anonymous, and I respect that, and I also some day want to give back in the same fashion. But if for some reason, they cross this post and read it, I just want to say thank you, thank you for showing me what Christmas really means, and how good people really can be. It doesn’t matter what I did that day, your simple gesture flipped my world, and my meaning of Christmas upside down.

Maybe you could do the same. Maybe you don’t believe in the toy drives, well, that’s fine. Then maybe you could walk up to that one guy, lonely and sad, waiting in line, and hand them a gift, and change their world like someone did to me.
Merry Christmas, and remember, it’s not always about the gifts that gather dust and are quickly forgotten, but more about the precious memories we can pass on to our loved ones.

Forever and ever my precious daughter, I think of you every day, and I love you so very much! Merry Christmas my sweet angel!

Here's a quick one

And so it begins......

Phone rings:

Me: Thank you for calling IT, how can I help you?

User: Yes, my laptop was stolen and I am having some trouble with the replacement.

Me: Your laptop was stolen?

User: Yes!

Me: And someone actually gave you a replacement?

User: Yes, but.....

Me: Was it left in your car, or wait, I bet you went to a conference, and the speaker said, OK lets take a 5 minute break, and you thought, oh what's the harm of leaving my laptop out in the open while I run to the bathroom, I mean come on, I am in a high quality 35 dollar a night hotel, with exceptional well trained staff that would never think of taking anything so easily accessible as an unlocked laptop, along with my bag which conveniently contains all the proper cords, keyfob, and passwords I wrote down!

User: How did you know it was stolen at a conference?

Me: Lucky guess. Anywho, what seems to be the problem with your new one.

User: Well, I think they forgot a few things!

Me: You mean like installed applications?

User: No not exactly. I mean like.......well.......you see I had all these pictures in the "My Pictures" folder, and a bunch of music in the music folder. Then on my desktop I had all these important papers and thesis that I have been working on for months.

Me: .........

User: Hello?

Me: OH MY GOD, THERE'S A FIRE, Sorry but I have to go now.......

User: But what about.....

*CLICK*

*RING*

Me: Thank you for calling IT, how can I help you?

User: Yeah every time I close the lid on my laptop the display goes dark.

Me: What display?

User: The computer display, duh!

Me: Yeah, lets insult the guy trying to help you in the first 30 seconds of conversation!
So you have dual monitors?

User: No, on my laptop.

Me: Just to clarify, when you close the lid on your laptop the display on your laptop goes blank?

User: Exactly!

Me: Sir........ I can assure you that this is by design and is a power save feature, you see, the manufacture assumes that if you can't see the display then there is no point on wasting precious battery life and leaving it on.

User: But I can see it, see I found this little button by the hinge and when I push it simulating the lid being closed the screen goes blank.

Me: Did you honestly call me and waste my time to tell me this?

User: Yes, and I don't see it as a waste of time.

*CLICK*

If you need me, I'll be the one feeding the pigeons at the park with a blank stare upon my face........

New

Yes the title says new. Not sure who all reads this anymore so I do have to be careful on what I post now. Although I could fill about 50 posts with some new content. I might have to really change things up a bit to keep it anonymous. Working on a few new stories in the background when I have time, and hope to have some of them posted soon, or at least for the start of the new year.
Until then feel free to click on the archives button and read through some of the old college day stories.

Time flies

Time flies when you lose your job teaching and don't care, sit on unemployment for three months, then go back to work full time, at two jobs leave those eventually get a family, buy a house, get new job as engineer.

I know scary huh

More to come

4 times a month........get real

I searched the intertubes and found nothing requiring a blogger to post 4 times a month. So the best you get is once a month.


And boom goes the dynamite

Wow

Wow, people still visit this. Although most of them seem to be lost, or searching for obscure terms you wouldn't find anyplace else other than a blog called The Cheesy Cracker like "Turd Cutter".

I also still get the occasional search on the many weird programs used in Microsoft Vista from when I beta tested on of the very first Long Horn versions.

Well in any case, I am glad to see people still visit, even if it isn't to read anything lol.
As an update, I have re-uploaded the 911 video I made and corrected the link for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy!

Mr. Cheese out
Never Forget

Crap Day

Let it be known to all that from this day forward, today will be known as “Crap Day”. Feel free to crap on your favorite enemy on this day. If you don’t have crap, visit our online crap store where you can pick up tons of crappy merchandise. This is not a day to rejoice or celebrate, that right is reserved for “Crap Happy Day” to which the day has not yet been decided upon.

My Crap Day started out really well. My cat puked on the carpet during the night and now the carpet is stained. I stubbed my toe on the coffee table, burned breakfast, and left my fresh cup of coffee on the kitchen counter when I left the house. Ok but the ride into work should be much better, right? Silly fools it’s Crap Day, of course it isn’t better.

Oh look a teenage male pulling up to a stop sign while I am traveling down the highway at 60 miles per hour. On any other day he would stop and look both ways before cutting me off, but today is Crap Day so he decides to avoid the stop sign all together and just pull out in front of me causing me to slam on my brakes and almost rear-end him. As he looks in his rear view mirror to see that I am inches away from becoming a permanent fixture on his tailgate, he decides to up the ante on Crap Day and do a full fledged brake check causing my car to swerve back and forth like a snake on the hot desert sand. I understand its Crap Day, but that was just uncalled for damn it.

I tail his ass onto the freeway going over evil plans of what I want to do once I get next to him.

Should I flip him off? No that isn’t enough for this dick spit……ok, flip him off while calling him dick spit……no, no, he can’t hear me anyway………

And then it hit me, no really, a small rock hit me. It was kicked up by his tire and hit my windshield causing it to crack. That was the last straw, I’m sure he deliberately swerved to hit that rock at the precise point in which to make it spew out from beneath his tire and become a windshield projectile of death.

I reached over to the passenger seat for my work folder which housed a large yellow legal pad. Finding a blank page I grabbed my Sharpie from the center console (always have a sharpie handy for crap day) ripping the cap off with my teeth spitting it back onto the floor like a dirty cowboy spitting his chew.

I began scribbling fiercely onto the bright yellow paper, large letters, bold letters, a message any Crap Master would be proud of on Crap Day. I pulled my car into the other lane stepping on the pedal of my little four cylinder car to get along side of him. The RPM’s exceeding their limits, the engine howling in pain as I slammed it into fourth gear to achieve top speed………which was 65mph in my 4-cylinder 2.0 stratus. I look out the passenger window as my car evens’ up to his shooting all the evil eye I can muster up, I slam the yellow legal pad up to the window with my free hand. He looks over, his eyes scanning back and forth as he reads my message, mouthing the words which read “Pull over so I can beat you’re fucking ASS!!”. Moments later he hits the brakes and drops back several car lengths, I look in my mirror to see him frantically dialing his phone. It must have been a speed dial number because I only saw him press three buttons.

No worries, it’s off to work I go, trolley la, trolley la.
The minute I step into the door of work the secretary cuts me off asking for help. I really hate this. Nothing annoys me faster at work than being pestered the second I walk in. I walk over to her computer, solve her little problem and proceed to my desk. No sooner do I sit down when a student sitting on the opposite side of the room asks for help. It’s one of my better students so I assure her that I will be right with her in a minute. As I walk over to her desk I can see by the expression on her face that something is very wrong.

“What’s up?” I ask

“I need some help…..” she pauses for a moment “I’m just really upset…….sorry” she starts to break down.

“What is it?” This woman beginning to look like her best friend just died.

“I came in this morning and my drive wouldn’t boot up, so Sped took it out and put a new one in, now all my stuff is gone. Plus he loaded up the wrong operating system and never partitioned the hard drive so I can’t install Oracle, which I don’t want to do anyway because it will take all day.” Looks like Sped got the jump on me for this Crap Day and has already begun to crap all over me.

I assure the student that I will take care of everything including setting up a new drive and pulling the data from her old one. I give her an assignment to find out how many porn sites can be hit in an hours time before getting flagged by corporate to keep her busy …..because…….corporate wanted the stats…..yeah, that’s it. (Note to self: Hitting more than 20 porn sites in an hour could result in getting fired; from now on we stick with 19.)

As I work feverishly to get her data restored a student from across the way yells out.

“Hey…..this pop machine isn’t spitting out what it says it’s supposed to.”

“I’m sorry” I respond “Sometimes the cans get mixed up and you may get one accidentally that was not supposed to be in there.”

“Nu-uh” he says “This is my 5th one today (would explain the uncontrollable shaking) and each one has been wrong.”

“I’ll check into it” I say and head for the front desk to get the keys to the machine. I sure love my job, not only am I a teacher, I’m also the local pop machine vending bitch. No worries, I usually scam a case or two when it needs to be filled using the excuse of, “it can’t hold them all and I already took the plastic rings off of the cans, now they will all go bad if I don’t take them home and drink them.” You would be surprised at how many people believe that line.

I return to the pop machine and after fighting with the lock built in 1902 for 15 minutes I finally get it open. It doesn’t take long before I can see the problem. Someone (I’m sure you all know who I am thinking of) has randomly filled the machine with whatever in whatever slot they wanted. I head back to the front desk.

“Excuse me, but who was the last person to fill the machine?” I ask

“It was Sped, why?” The secretary responds

“Hmmmm……No reason, thanks”

Holy shit, Sped must have had Crap Day planned for some time because he’s on a fucking roll.

“Sped?”

“Yes!”

“Can you come here for a second, something I want to ask you?” I politely say

“Sure, what’s up?”

I bring him over to the front of the pop machine now displaying the lovely rainbow of colored cans placed randomly in any slot.

“See anything odd about this situation?”

“Mmmmmm……nope, why?”

“See these labels below each of the slots that specifically say what kind of pop to put in each slot?”

“Yeah, those tell me what kinds I need to put back in here.”

“No Jackass, those tell you which cans have to go in which slots so when someone pushes the button for the kind they want they will actually get that kind.”

“Really?” He sound stunned, go figure “I thought there was a computer or something that told it which kind to grab.”

“And just how is this computer supposed to know which can is which and dig through this holy hell pile to get that specific one?”

“I don’t know, figured it scanned each one and then an arm or something went and got it.”

“Are you fucking serious, you actually believe that line of shit and then think that all of this happens within the 1.2 seconds it takes to get your can of pop?”

“Well it’s actually closer to 5 seconds and……”

“Shut the fuck up! Now someone has to take every can out of this bitch and sort them properly by the labels.”

“Wow, good luck with that, I’m off to lunch.”

“Wha….wha……good luck with that what……that’s my damn line you piece of shit……and I am not…..” But before I can finish he has already exited the room. I start grabbing cans from the machine and placing them on the desk behind me while quietly muttering to myself “Stupid crap day…..”


“Crap Day, makes assholes happy!”

I want what she’s Smoking

I’ve been thinking about getting some happy pills to help me quit smoking. Several people around me think this would be a good idea as well, mainly because they fear for their lives. If you don’t know what the happy pills are let me explain.

A long time ago in a pharmacy far, far away………

Depressed people all over the world didn’t know what to do with themselves until one day a little pill called Wellbutrin came along. This pill made the peoples depression go away. But with all drugs there were side effects. But in the case of Wellbutrin the side effects turned out to be good. People taking the pill that smoked found out that they no longer had an urge to smoke and within a few months were able to quit. That’s right, seems that little pill for depression suppresses certain urges in the brain. But it didn’t just suppress the urge to not smoke, nope; the pill didn’t know where to draw the line. Turns out the pill just suppresses urges all together. So, no more urges to smoke, ok that’s good, and no more urges to eat…..well if you’re over weight then that’s good too. No more urges for SEX! Ok that last one really sucks but what do I care, I live alone.

The pill is now marketed as a quit smoking pill called Zyban. Trust me people, the price is different but it’s the same damn drug. Here’s the real kicker. For some reason insurance companies want you to keep smoking. I know, I know, crazy thinking huh. But it’s true because if you try to get them to pay for Zyban you can forget it. However, getting them to pay for Wellbutrin, an anti-depressant drug no less, seems to be much easier. Now insurance companies are no dummies, they picked up on this little trick pretty fast. So now instead of going to my doctor and telling him I want to quit smoking, now I have to tell him I’m fucking crazy, and with me cutting back on smoking I plead a pretty damn good case, just ask my co-workers.
The best part about Wellbutrin is the fact that it is an anti-depressant. See normally quitting smoking makes people a real joy to be around, and by joy I mean getting an enema on a daily basis from an angry elephant while being skull fucked by two large men. However, since Wellbutrin is also an anti-depressant, quitting smoking is a lot easier because it helps to subside the crabbiness or in my case the, “shut the fuck up before I kill you” feelings. Yes Wellbutrin is my new happy pill. And that leads us into today’s story.

It’s Friday night around 7:00 and I decide to hit the pharmacy on the way home to pick up my prescription I had dropped off three days prior.
I walk up to the window at the local pharmacy to pick up my prescription. The lady behind the counter bears a striking resemblance to Grace the secretary from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. In fact I think it might actually be her. From this point on she will be known as Grace.

“Can I help you?” Grace asks me

“Yeah I’m here to pick up my prescription; I dropped it off three days ago.”

“Well if you’ll just go down two more windows someone will be with you shortly.” She says with a big cheesy smile on her face.

“But that window says ‘Drop Off’. And this one says ‘Pick Up’, which is why I am here.” I explain to her

“I’m sorry sir but as I already told you, you’ll need to go down two windows and someone will be with you shortly.”

I figure there is no sense in arguing so I do as she asked and head down two more windows to the “Drop Off” counter. Looking around the pharmacy I can see I am the only other one in the store, and Grace seems to be the only one working behind the counter. I wait patiently for a few minutes watching as her hands keep busy out of eye sight. I start clicking my finger nails on the counter hoping to draw her attention but to no avail (Possibly because I have no fingernails left after chewing them to distract my urge to light up). I start grabbing useless pamphlets near by to help curb my boredom.

Let’s see “When checking for breast cancer, start at the outer edge and work around your breast in circles, getting closer to your nipple with each circle.” OK!!! I think that’s enough reading for now.

I glance over at the side wall “If you need assistance please ring buzzer!” Hmmm……interesting. I push the button for the buzzer letting out a pleasant “Ding Dong”. This seems to have grabbed the attention of Grace as I see her heading my way.

“Can I help you sir?”

“Yeah, remember me?”

“No…… should I?”

“Yeah, I came in here to pick up a prescription I dropped off three days ago……I was down at the other window…….you told me to come over to this window…..remember!” The look on her face tells me I am wasting my breathe.

“No, doesn’t ring a bell, but you’ll have to go down to the ‘Pick Up’ window and someone will be right with you.”

“You’re joking right.” I say half smiling

“No, see the sign above you, this window is for ‘Drop Off’s’ only. You have a ‘P-i-c-k- U-p’ which is down at the other window.” She says that last part real slow as if I’m the retarded one here. She even talks like Grace from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off ending each sentence with that big cheesy smile.

“And someone will be right with me?”

“Yes!” she assures me

“Aren’t you here alone?”

She looks around as if she isn’t sure of herself. “Yes I am.”

“Ok, so when you tell me someone will be with me shortly, you mean you right?” I’m trying to make sure I fully understand how this works.

“Yes I suppose so!”

It’s getting late and I just want to go home so rather than argue anymore I let out a loud sigh and shuffle back down two windows. In the process I seem to have forgotten to keep an eye on Grace and I am once again standing at a window alone. In fact she seems to have disappeared from the store completely. I keep my composure and look around for another buzzer but there isn’t one to be found at this window. I decide to give her the benefit of the doubt and wait a little while longer. I mean who knows; maybe she just went to the bathroom, or in her case, possibly abducted by aliens. I look up at the clock on the wall; it is now 7:30. I have now wasted the last 30 minutes of my life in this store for no reason. Ok, enough of this, I run down to the first window……yes that would be the “Drop Off” window for those of you still painlessly paying attention. I push the buzzer again, and immediately run back down to the “Pick Up” window, where Grace is standing with a smile on her face.

“Ahhhhh……you startled…..I mean where…….how long have you been…….”

“Are you ok sir?” She asks

“Ummmm…..yeah I think so.” Am I in the Twilight Zone?

“How can I help you today?”

“I’m here to pick up a prescription I dropped off three days ago.”

“Ok, I can help you, now what’s the name.” I give her my name and she taps away at her computer for a few minutes. “Date of birth?” I give her this as well before I finally hear “Oh here we are, yes…..ok……ummm……that will be about twenty minutes.”

“TWENTY MINUTES?????” I’m not enjoying this experience anymore “What the hell have you people been doing the last three days.”

“Well, I went to the store on Monday, oh and yesterday I had lunch with my sister….”

“I didn’t mean…..never mind……..can I ask you a question?”

“Yes!”

I lean in over the counter looking into her eyes. “When I walked through those doors forty minutes ago, did I walk into some weird realm of reality only known to you and this store?”

She furrows one brow thinking for a moment before responding. “No….I don’t think so.”

“Ok, just checking, and there’s no one else in the store to help speed this up?”

“Nope, but I’ll be back with your prescription in about thirty minutes.”

“Thirty? But you said…..” Before I can finish she is walking off amongst the many isles of drugs. By the time this is all said and done I think I will need a much stronger prescription. Once again I try and find something to occupy my time which isn’t going any better than the first attempt. I’ve now taken my blood pressure twice, which seems to be increasing the longer I wait here, checked both my breasts for lumps, which I am happy to say I am lump free, and discovered that this particular pharmacy stocks forty seven different brands of condoms. This is getting tedious, I decide to get up and walk around the store a little.
Soft pleasant elevator music plays through the speakers as I roam the isles one by one. I can’t help but hear this tiny whining noise like a small motor struggling to move a large object, but can’t quite place where it is coming from. I stop and look from side to side, still nothing, that’s when I glance up at the ceiling to see a security camera staring down at me like a watchful hawk eyeing its prey. Could this be where the noise is coming from? I walk two more isles down and head the opposite direction I was last standing. Sure enough when I look back up at the camera it is still focused on me. I turn to walk back towards the pharmacy desk when I am greeted by a large gentleman in a rent-a-cop uniform.

“Help you find something sir, maybe something small that will fit in your pocket” I seriously think I am in the Twilight Zone and this episode is entitled ‘What celebrities would be doing if they weren’t celebrities’ because this guy looks and talks exactly like David Puddy from Seinfeld.

“What the hell are you talking about? You think I’m stealing?” I ask totally insulted.

“Come with me sir!” He says grabbing my arm hauling me behind him like a rag doll.

The next thing I know I’m in a small dark office filled with thick cigar smoke from David’s partner. A naked lady calendar hangs on the wall from 1968, I giggle and point when I see it, David shoots me a stern look which abruptly stops my giggling.

“So did you really think you were going to get away with it?” David asks me, his partner leans forward blowing smoke into my face. I guess to intimidate me which would have worked if he wasn’t but three feet tall.

“I wasn’t trying to get away with anything; I was simply waiting for my prescription to get filled so I can go home.”

“Prescription huh, figures you would be on drugs.” Another insult delivered by the rent-a-cop

“Well what the fuck ever, that’s the truth.” I say leaning back in my chair crossing my arms smugly.

“Yeah right, that’s why you asked the clerk twice if she was alone in the store and then walked up and down each isle real slow. I suppose that’s also why you kept staring up at the cameras just before I stopped you from dropping a load of merchandise into your pants and robbing us blind.”

This goes on for another ten minutes before I just plain am tired and give up. “Yep ok you’re right, you got me bud.”

“I’m not your bud”

“Well whatever, you caught me, but since I don’t have any merchandise on me, I’m going to leave now, is that ok with the two of you?” I ask

“Yeah I guess, but mark my words, we’ll be watching you.”

“I wouldn’t expect anything less.” I whisper under my breath as I walk out.

I head back down a narrow stair case out the security door and back into the pharmacy, which now has those little tiny garage doors at each window with signs that read “Sorry. We’re closed for the day!” I leave the store looking up at the cameras that are once again following my every move and I begin to laugh hysterically like a mad man all the while raising my middle finger at people who aren’t even there. Fast approaching footsteps can be heard coming from behind me.

You know………these padded rooms and white vests are kinda cozy.